I was downtown watching a Play with my gf. I have ibs and we just had sushi. Once the play starts, you cant really go to the bathroom unless you leave out the exit by the stage. So if you get up to leave everyone sees you and it kind of disrupts the play.

So as soon as it starts, i feel my stomach churning. Great, i have to putz everywhere but i cant leave. The play is 90 minutes, im one minute in and about to shit myself. I focus as hard as i can the whole play. i am sweating and shaking, using all my concentration to hold this in. I have no fucking clue what happen in the play.

It finally ends. I turn to my gf and ask for the keys. It's 10pm now, the bathroom is closed because it is in the coffee shop attched to the theater. I run out the exit to the street. There is no where close to go, so i go down the street and hop a fence into some poor, innocent persons yard. The grass was knee length. I find a tree, pull down my pants and simutaneously explode upon the ground. By some miracle none gets on me or my pants.

Now i have to wipe this wet diarrhea off my ass. As i am finishing though, i hear a shopping cart coming down the road. I look up mid shit and lock eyes with a hobo. I assume he knows what I'm doing and has been in this position before.

I go back to the car to find my gf. I cant find her. I call her and she is at a bar with some friends so i walk to the bar, with a shit riddled ass. I get there and immediately go to the bathroom. There is a line. I waited 10 minutes before getting to cleanse.

I told my gf fuck this we are leaving. I told her the whole story. She was disgusted. Has never looked at me the same. The worst part is i could have just gone to the bar in the first place if i knew how close it was.

Tl; dr: Locked eyes with a hobo while pooping out my insides in a yard. IBS sucks.

No, you dont need to give me gold. I deserve nothing.