I attempted when I was 20 and at one of my lowest points I took whatever was in my cabinet which was 11 advil pills. I still remember counting them out. As soon as I took them I got scared and... I guess I just didn't want to die. It was just painful to keep breathing? I walked to the hospital after a while of debating with myself. Advil doesn't do much so they just monitored me and then sent me home in the morning. I pretended I just had period cramps and kept taking more and more pills and didn't realize. Ever since then I've been scared of having more dangerous pills around. I have panic attacks once in a while where I wake up in a cold sweat and just can't sleep so they prescribed me sleep meds and I lied that I wasn't suicidal. I don't know why maybe shame? But rather than taking those meds I just flushed them down the toilet fearing what I'll do if I hit a low point again. Now whenever I have a low point I have this huge urge to self harm rather than suicide. Because I wanna live you know what I mean? I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone and my parents find me annoying and call me crazy whenever I end up pulling my hair or pinching myself or clawing at my face when I'm frustrated and sad. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'd like to say I'm getting better. Those moments of frustrations have been happening less but I think it's because I'm far away from toxicity that is my family. But I feel so guilty for feeling relief and they make sure I know it. When I do get those low points again, I just have this awful feeling of spiraling out of control and I go on a tangent of me telling myself I'm the worse, the most ugly, the dumbest, the worse personality, the most selfish... I keep going on these rants on Reddit and sometimes I'm met with criticism and I get so sad from even the disapproval of an internet stranger I don't know what to do. I know I should toughen up but... I feel like a soft sponge and just want someone else who is soft to hold me tight and make it all go away. I know I can't expect someone else to make my own problems disappear but I just want... Comfort you know?