Welcome, here's the deal, as is tradition:

If you don't work here, you don't get insurance. And that's if we offer you salary. As a temp or hourly or intern or contractor you get nothing. You'll have to negotiate for a higher salary to cover the regular benefits out of pocket, and even then our HR team is great at shaming and shafting you down to a regular wage. Speaking of benefits, you get insurance but only to doctors and networks that we have in our pre-approved network. our network was selected by finding the cheapest insurance possible and going with that they've selected. Oh, dental copay is $20, yay! But emergency room copay, you know, the kind of medical coverage that really shafts you, yea, you pay $500 upfront and then we only cover 40% of the bill. And that's if you're in the network only, otherwise, screw off. Ok, now for retirement... we eliminated pensions so fuck all with loyalty but we still want you working for us for life. So we're offering a 401k. You can select to invest in our company, or some crappy mutual funds. Oh, we don't match. not until year 10. And then it's only 5%. We validate your parking but don't have a garage so your car sits on the street to be vandalized. Our office is now open floor plan and we're going to surround you with ten of the loudest and yappiest bitches in the company. Your job will require intense concentration so we'll help by forcing you to constantly check your email and up to 4 IM clients. You are expected to work 9-5 but we'll ask you to be in the office by 8 and stay until 6:30 every day. Weekends are optional... for you to stay home... generally you'll have homework. Fuck all with kids, you have kids and that's a liability. We're going to make you uplift and move cross-country but give you only a week and $5000 relocation. Oh yea, and the new area has a less cost of living than where you were before, so instead of letting you have the same salary we're going to cut it to make it more 'fair'. Yea, that'll work for everyone's benefit. So hey, welcome! now that you've been here for several weeks I've noticed you have the same shirt as I do. Well, you're fired. At-will employment and all. haha. We'll be happy to be references if you need, but will likely give such a bland understatement to your employment prospects that it'll kill any chance you had. You won't know, though, because reference interviews are always anonymous and without you present.

Work hard, every day, all day, all your life, and kindly fuck off.