Probably my first post on this sub. I want to talk to you because your post touched my heart somehow. But I apologize, english is not my first language.

I am a young boy, in my early 20's. I am so incredibly alone. I am a boylover. I love boys. I really do. People know me as a gay but I hardly like any men. I tried to have sex but I couldn't do it. I rejected the every person I met. I always thought I am cute but nowadays I have big problems with my self image. Actually I always had, but it is nearly unbearable now. I remember that yesterday morning I wake up and my mind said to me, "It is unbearable".

I think I am a genetically complex person. I have some facial asymmetries like my left eyelid is a little droopy. (but not so noticeable, I could hide it in front of mirror) It hurts me so much because it ruined my entire life, social relations and everything... This is not the only asymmetry on my body but the most hurting one.

I have always been told that I am different. In high school, I remember I was saying "I am ill" to almost everyone in every response. I remember I was pretending to be asleep almost every fuckin' time to escape all the possible social relations. I just had one close friend in entire high school years and we were so close. I was bullied because of my feminine behavior and because of my face look girly. But I am happy that the person I was in love said that if he could be girl he would flirt "only" with me, he said that in front of entire class. I think this is the only good thing I remember about high school.

I am definitely against all the belief systems and the popular creator, God idea. Allmost all my dating attempts ended because of this. Because of me. Because of my seperating personality. I am in a small town. I tried to meet with a lot of gay people and I somehow did. The weird thing is, almost all the people I met said they liked me. But I was so numb at that time for a relationship thanks to antidepressant. I don't remember how many times I rejected people, really.

I also can't look at people's eyes at all. I just can't. I can't. I think you can guess why, if you think about the eye part.

I tried to get a therapy but the therapist I went to said me exactly that: "You are not here to seek help, you are here to be cocky so I can't help you, you can complain me to the authorities if you want."

It is just... I can't find a word. I think I told enough about me. I am seriously considering suicide. I have so many problems. I can't solve all of them. Even if I do solve some of them, I will be a boylover. I will always want a cute young boy to "love" and it won't seem to happen. That means I will never be truly happy.

This is me, and I tried to explain my situation. Thank you for reading...