Hi. You don't know me, but I'm basically you in a few months. My partner went from open relationship friends with benefits (which I was fine with) to poly full of "I love yous" to his new girl with dizzying velocity. I was left out of the decision making process. He accused me of being selfish and doing poly "wrong" with stupid citations from "The Ethical Slut" that didn't even apply to our situation. He came home late from over nights with her multiple times. He did stuff with her he wouldn't do with me (dancing lessons, morning sex, and other romantic things I'd never done but had expressed an interest in for years.) I asked him for good night texts when he was out with her, and he'd forget repeatedly and if they came at all, it would be well after I was asleep. When we were supposed to have time together, he'd often be on his phone with her. He texted her Goodnight every night he was with me at a reasonable time, which certainly made my blood boil. And if she asked him over, he'd drop everything to be over there. They had fabulous dates, exchanged countless I love yous, and started having unprotected sex without asking me.

I wrote him a letter of all the things I needed to be ok in relationship with him (and I was stupid enough to listen to the assholes in r/polyamory who said to never make rules and only express needs in "I statements.") The list was so super reasonable, (I even told him he could make her coprimary, so long as I actually got equitable treatment,) and I was on the verge of tears and self harm when I read it to him. He acted like I mattered that night, but proceeded to go against everything in the damn letter. He told her I wrote a letter, and she decided to write one for him, too. He followed the needs in her letter to a T. And if he ever thought I was being unfair to her, he'd bitch me out over it.

I seriously bent over backwards to be accommodating (for some stupid reason) and I was repeatedly thrown under the bus. He would come home and talk about how wondeful she was (if I have to hear the words "her smile" "I love her" "she makes me so happy" or "perfect nipples" again, I might puke.) If I gave off any discomfort, he'd unload all of his personal frustrations on me.

And he'd come home from her so exhausted, that we didn't even get to be intimate beyond the positions that were mostly effortless for him.

I brought up my concerns over and over. Didn't fucking matter.

Finally a friend found out, and shamed my husband's girlfriend so much that she left him. He did cheat on me once with her (not sex, but she was over while I was gone for the night and he snuggled and kissed her while she cried before he finally grew a spine and told her to leave the next morning. (Though she also lied through her teeth to the mutual friend. Fortunately I had screen shots to back up my case.)

And now all he does is mope and talk about how empty his heart is.

I'm so close to filing for divorce. And it kills me because I still love him so much. I gave him so many chances a did everything the poly books and forums said to do.

So, what I'm getting at is- set firm boundaries, tell him to slow the fuck down (and take a break from poly to work on your relationship if you need,) and if you have to use an ultimatum, think carefully of course, but do it.

If he doesn't respect you now, especially in a time of crisis, that won't change.

And fuck anyone who treats you like shit on poly forums for this. Not everyone is enlightened fucking assholes, and monogamy on your part is totally ok.

I should have nipped the issues my husband and I had in the bud, or at least some solid pruning. Don't make the same mistake I did.