Edit: Don't bother reading this. I rambled. A lot.
I'm on Wellbutrin atm. It kept me alive, which is great because suiciding would screw my ex, as she can't afford our house, whereas i can. On the other hand, I am/was still depressed me (which, to be honest, is also great because once I sell the house i can quit), so it didn't fix anything, more like "delayed the inevitable".
Funny enough, she recently gave me some of those bullshit New Age healing crystals, and those damn things helped as much/more than the medicine alone (yes i still take it, obviously). And that sucks. I'm not very depressed anymore and have to face up to the fact that I've wasted the last 10 years of my life, most of which were spent dragging her down with me, and now i have to dig myself out. But i still don't feel like it.
Neither the meds nor crystals have actually made me want to continue life, nor given me anything to look forward to. I'm completely uninterested in meeting a girl and getting to know her, and get involved in her life, and all that hassle of interacting with another human in a mutually respectful manner. I'm just as uninterested in actually taking action which would in any way further the goal of selling the house. I still have no ambition at work - recently gave up trying to do my best at everything there, and now I just do my job/the minimum.
Well, i guess im done talking now. Hopefully this helps. I do recommend going on meds, if you need them. Throughout my twenties I was staunchly anti-"another American with the American approach of taking pills for everything", and so instead i threw my life away. Smart move, dumbass.
If your brain is defective, as mine is, all the happy thoughts and good intentions are worth exactly as much as to you as to amputee. Brain chemical imbalances need to be fixed by chemical rebalancing - you can't regrow an arm via happy thoughts, and you can't fix a brain either (it certainly can HELP, though, and thinking negative thoughts WILL interfere with fixing your brain).
Or try bullshit healing crystals. Or both. Or neither, and continue to be as you are. Idgaf.
I'm disabling inbox replies because i don't feel like reading/ignoring the usual platitudes. This ended up significantly longer and more honest than I'd intended, but i typed it out on mobile and I'm not going to throw that much work out.