Same boat, except I was in a relationship for 7 years that was fucking nightmare fuel after the first year. Dropped out of an absolutely useless public school system and have spent my adult life bouncing from shit job to shittier job. I've had a few jobs I was very good at and stayed at for over a year, but I'm pretty fucked in the head and I have a really hard time dealing with the bullshit that's always falling out of the people around us, so I always end up leaving.
Here lately, I've been doing food delivery... in a car I owe like 8k on, so ruining an expensive car for comparative peanuts. The Important thing is that I don't have to put up with manager and coworker garbage, so my sanity isn't attacked every day, just every other day or so now. Woo. I'm still falling apart. I have such a hard time dealing with people. I've been used and abused a number of times and it's just disillusioned me from seeing decency in people. I'm hiding a seething hatred of life behind my stupid fucking mask with everyone I have to talk to everyday.
I have no outlet for my frustrations. I use to be a gamer, and gaming helps, but I've since had to sell all of my 5 games and console for gas money... A few times now. I'm tired of buying something for myself and immediately having to sell it. I have nothing to show for my 29 years on this earth, nothing but a car I don't own and a fucking cat my ex just had to have while we were together, when it was a kitten, but apparently didn't care enough to take it with her when she fucked off.
My whole life I've been surrounded by people who actively hate my existence at best, or just hit me in the face at worst. From the family to the ex, they all just love to lose control and give me a taste of their anger. I see people all around me that can handle the pain, but I know they haven't had a life like mine. They probably had someone that gave a fuck about them at some point. So it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy where I chop my own nuts off because everyone always told me I was nutless anyway.
My mom adopted me, she wanted a new, cute little baby to play with and my teenage, shit Lord of a bio mom nearly killed me through neglect before I could even reach a birthday. My adoptive brothers were not so hot about me intruding on them, and they've let me know it my whole life, believe me. I fucking hate this planet. I hate what we are as a species. Human beings have always been awful to each other, it hasn't stopped, it's just evolving for the times.
So here's how I feel like I relate to you: my whole life, for all of my misfortune, I still recognize it's ultimately my fault I'm not in a better place. I've worked my ass off through every job I've had. I've even been fired because I outshined coworkers whod been there for years, pissed them off, and a couple lies and old friendships later, I'm jobless. That's not a bullshit story either, that's happened to me at more than one of these shit ass jobs. You know the type of people we work with down here.
I digress to my previous point though: I know I could do better. I see all the ways I could do better. I dream about being the guy that can do better, but I have no desire to try anymore. I mean it's just been literally slapped out of me. I feel like I'm fighting to make it to a place where most people are at in their late teens. Ruining my health is the only thing that keeps me sane enough to do this for another day, so I keep eating shitty food and smoking my lungs into a spoiled banana because I've literally never been shown a healthy way to cope in my life.
The only way we're going to win is to become entirely different people. That's just all there is to it. You gotta throw out the whole person. If you told me you found the reset button in my service panel and could completely wipe my slate clean: no memories good or bad, no addictions unless I pick them back up, no idea where I came from, I'd tell you to hip thrust that motherfucker till I'm unconscious. We have to unlearn everything and become cold, uncaring machines, hell bent on getting where we want to be, regardless of what people think, say or do to us.
We have to help ourselves because no one is coming for us. We're the people that make sure other people lead a happy and carefree life. Fuck that amiright. Fuck people. I want to be happy for once. We have to take all this suffering we already endure and say, "thank you please hurt me harder" to life.