Well fuck. You can message me if you want to get personal about it without the votes and trolls. My brothers best friend (f) blew his brains out because roumor has it he was outed as gay before he was comfortable with it being public information. My brother (b) was the last person to see f, b fucking gave f a ride to the place where f ended up stealing a car and cleaning his skull out with a pistol that he stole, get this... out of a fuckin off duty cops car. Yeah. He was fucking determined. He quit. It came out of nowhere. People were suspect, myself and my brother included. But it wasn't a new thing. Less serious than before even. I wont lie, it rocked us. I was already in the dumps. My brother even asked me to talk to him because im good with empathy and explaining shit or whatever sometimes and my brother respects that. B got a different childhood than me because my mother didn't go full psycho until I was about 7. He was 2. He got a bit more of a raw deal than I did tbh. But I was too wrapped up in my own fucking head at the time.... I never ended up talking to F. Fuck. He even came over for a few days in a row within the week before be shot himself. When he saw me he'd say something like "Hey man!" or "Hi U/Anon! How's it going!?". Id reply meekly, im fairly certain that im a sociopath and when im off im off. I dont give a fuck about anything. When im on I read into all the little shit and overanalyze until I let the alcohol take over so I can sleep. Looking back, if I had maybe one fucking sincere conversation with my brothers friend he might have done things differently. Or at least later, in a way that I wouldn't feel involved and so fucking guilty about it. Fs wake was FUCKING MISERABLE. he was only 20. And I dont know who else noticed, because obviously noone was about to fuckin mention it, but his face was clearly reconstructed. The kid in the casket wasn't the kid we knew last week. It was a wax model mockup to day goodbye at.
I havent been to a wake/funeral since. Theyre pointless imo. Fuck tradition. I dont wanna see that shit anymore. If theyre dead theyre dead. A funeral maybe but ive lost others to cancer over time too. They had a different approach. "Fuck it im 50+. Let's party til im dead lmfao". That was different. Those three wake/funerals weren't even a fraction of the emotional hurricane that was Fs.
With all of that said, im not trying to type a huge book. But talk to them, be open and honest. Ask them shit you're scared to ask. Tell them shit you're scared to say. Thats all you can do. I wasnt even remotely close to F, his friends were lifers though. I think I didnt want to invade Bs friend group or whatever ya know? If youre already doing that, thats it man... sucks but you cant change someone who doesn't want to change. I could spout off about heroin or cognitive dysfunction or whatever but it would just be an aimless tangent. You still have to live your life too. The most you can do is what you can reasonably do as a good friend. Doesnt matter if its a gun, heroin, crack or whatever other self inflicted shit. If they want to they will and thats not on you. Your life will move on. Letting go is a powerful tool to have for a happy and healthy life man. Show them this message if you want, fuck it.
The way i see shit, why throw your life in the trash? Give it away if its worthless to you. If your effort can pull two other people out of even more pain than you're in, through no fault of their own.... shit thats a good feeling. Theres no drug for that. But you dont have to join peace corps for it, its the little things. Life is like a lego set. You can only build it so damn fast on your own, and being along fucking sucks ass. But if you have a good friend you like to help you, shit. I dont have to explain the difference because anyone bothering to read to this point already knows hahaha
Do what you can brother, that's all anyone can ask. Everyone has the power of free will and youre only responsible for your own actions. I know it hurts but I hope you don't burden yourself with guilt about it. You're trying and you legitimately care, their choices are theirs to deal with.
It could go the other way too. An exfriend of mine had three kids and decided to start trading the ebt money for the kids food for dope. So, fuck him. Ten years ago i loved him like a brother, now I honestly hope he's fuckin dead and gone.
Life is fucked up man. Stay strong. I mean, you could have a nice portview apartment in Beirut right now... ya know?