I'm sorry man. You deserved better and the people who were supposed to take care of you failed you. It's not your fault. Whatever you may decide, just remember you can't come back from death. You can't undo that decision. It's never to late to start caring for yourself and I know it's hard to do that when nobody else did but please, just start by giving yourself a break. You don't have to end your life today but you don't have to fix it either. Take the pressure of your shoulders and just postpone it for now. You don't have to make a decision today. You can always kill yourself tomorrow. That's what I told myself for over 5 years until I made it out of my personal hell and I believe you can make it out of yours too. Start small and just allow yourself to stick around for another day.