Thanks for the reply; it means a lot.
I've considered getting treatment. I'm pretty certain whatever is wrong with me is physically remediable. I've thought that it might be a testosterone issue of some sort (only because I've noticed that I have awful erectile disfunction, which obviously doesn't help with my confidence.) I guess I could go to a doctor. I probably would have by now if I didn't live with my parents. Maybe I'll wait until I leave. I just really don't want my parents to know anything: especially not my dad. He tends to dismiss anything related to mental health as either "pansy" or somehow demonically inspired. Like I think he thought I was possessed at one point when I had a panic attack. (I think? I don't really know what a panic attack entails, but I suddenly started convulsing and couldn't say anything for about a minute. It's never happened since) Other times when he notices that I look unhappy or if I'm being quiet he'll sort of suggest that it's because I'm being a wimp or something. Maybe I am, but I really don't want my dad to think of me like that, so I'd rather he not know. He probably would be supportive if he thought something was seriously wrong because he's a good guy, but I'd rather just not go there.
I do plan on going to college. When I mentioned that I could just go to college and get out I meant that I could go now, which would be a bit strange because I still have two years of high school left (my school is willing to graduate me early if I want to). I really wish that I could just go now. Like I said, I really can't stand being here.
As for religion, it's not really something that scares me anymore. Maybe occasionally I get worried, but it doesn't keep me up at night like it used to. I try to be optimistic about it; I guess I tend to lean towards assuming that, if there is a god, he is understanding and not out to get me. At the same time, sometimes I just can't seem to believe anything. I hate it. Something about just existing with no real purpose gives me this ambiguous, tense feeling that I can't shake off.
Right now I go to a Pentecostal prosperity cult-church with my parents. I despise it, but I don't want to say anything. I'm not sure if my parents would make me go if I said I didn't want to. I'd like to explore more apostolic churches (catholic/orthodox) just because I don't really see any legitimacy in protestantism. I would probably be attending an orthodox church right now if I didn't live with my parents. There's something about mass that strikes me as beautiful: I'm not even sure if I believe in God, but I most certainly don't disbelieve in God. I like the submission and humility inherent in more traditional Christianity. The modern Protestant church frustrates me because it has a tendency towards self-centeredness. (you heard any CCM? It's musically awful and selfish) It frustrates me because I don't really like myself.