I'm not exactly ugly, but I'm not conventionally attractive, and I have been that kind of attractive in the past, so I'm very conscious of how people's attitudes towards me have shifted and how differently the world responds to me now. I have different methods of dealing with different aspects of it, depending on what's going on at the time and how I'm feeling.

Personally, I opt to value myself in a way that has nothing to do with my appearance. I inform people, gently but firmly, who mention my looks at all that I don't like those comments (even compliments). I am intelligent, and funny, and have many varied interests that I could talk a hole into a wall about.

If you are a woman, the world will try to define you again, and again, and again by your looks. They will tell you to care about things you don't want to care about, to feel bad about yourself, to feel GOOD about yourself, to re-label the things you're insecure about as "beautiful" and the things you've never given a second thought to as undesireable. You don't owe the world shit. You don't owe specific people shit. You don't have to think you're hot because you have a partner or someone else who finds you attractive. You don't have to not think that, either.

But sometimes I do care how I look. I am vast I contain multitudes etc. When that happens, I make conscious choices about my looks that are not about making myself more attractive, necessarily - rather, they are about doing things I want to do. Sometimes appearance does matter to me, so I take control of my appearance with haircuts, piercings, things like that.

I make other people listen to me. I make myself heard and ensure that my opinion matters. A lot - a LOT - of people will unconsciously ignore you if you're not conventionally good-looking. Even ones who aren't attractive themselves. I didn't quite notice this until I made that swing from weird looking -> pretty -> cute..? But it honestly doesn't matter what it stems from or if you can determine that, if you're being talked over, fix it. Talk louder or bring it up. It works.