Relationship: I've been in a relationship with this girl for over five years now. Around 6 or 7 months ago, she decided that she wanted to take a break to focus on her own life (school, work, career), but since we were such good friends also, she said she wanted to just drop the "relationship" aspect of things. I was pretty hurt but I didn't want to be pushy so I respected her choice.. Since then we have hung out a lot and even had sex a few times, held hands, all the couple shit.. Throughout the duration of it, I asked her a bunch of times if she was doing this to experience other guys or to open up those kinds of possibilities and she insisted the whole time that she wasn't interested in finding someone else. I had been suspicious because I know her very well and part of me just doubted that she wouldn't ever be horny or want to talk to other people. I told her though, that if she wanted to move on, that its her life and her choice. She convinced me nothing was up, and I believed her because our friendship was so strong and I didn't think she would lie to me.

Fast forward to a few nights ago, when one of my buddies tells me that she's talking to another guy. I called her out on it and she says she hid it because she didn't want to hurt me. She says she feels really bad and that she feels guilty for liking someone else. The problem i have though is, would she ever have told me? I know its not technically cheating, but she knew how I felt about her, and assured me that she wasnt interested in other guys at all. I'm upset because all of her friends knew, and even some of mine, and I was the last one to find out. I've never been so heartbroken in my life.

Yesterday was her 21st birthday. I wrote her a letter telling her that I forgive her and explaining how I felt deeply upset that she lied to me for so long. It was hard for me to tell her that I forgive her, but I did it because I want to find peace, not because she deserves happiness. I still love her, part of me wants to believe that we can be together some day, but I don't want to keep hurting myself. She told me she wants me around because she still loves me and that nobody will ever be able to fill the hole that I would leave. She says she still has feelings for me too..

I just needed someone to rant to... I've lost sleep every night because I'm afraid to dream about her. I would like to get past this but I don't know what to do.