I feel the need to vent but I don't know what to vent about so here's some word vomit.

I used to be confident to the point of borderline arrogance. I had no problems with women at this time, but then I entered a long relationship with someone who helped me see what an asshole I was being. I'm a totally different person now, much more humble, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, and self aware. But it seems like these qualities are a turn off for a lot of people. I've recently had three different women seem eager to get to know me, only to watch the interest drain as they understand my values. I think I look different from how I act. The ex always made a point to tell me that she "isn't attracted to conventionally attractive guys" but I think I'm actually closer to classically handsome than anything else. I guess she was negging me? I kinda look like a meathead tough guy, but am actually a gentle nerd goof who likes art and philosophy. Being rejected for the changes I worked so hard to make in myself is a little extra disheartening. I see compassion and quieting the ego as strength, but apparently others see it as weakness. I'm in a new city too, I think the culture here is a little more conservative than what I'm used to.

Also, I'm finally in decent shape, and now that the delusion that that was somehow holding me back is gone I have to accept the fact I apparently have, as one of my gym "friends" put it, negative charisma. The lingering trauma induced habits from that long relationship, which ended catastrophically, are sticking around longer than I had hoped, too.

I am comfortable alone but do get lonely, hence the seeking some kind of connection, not even a relationship. I don't feel ready for something serious and I feel guilty about wanting casual. Finding the naughtyfromneglect subreddit made me feel a little less alone, but I'm too embarrassed to try that kind of internet thing. Maybe I'll get desperate enough one day.

I do not have many pictures of myself as I look today, partly because in that long relationship we never took pictures, so online dating is essentially off the table until I get that sorted. I have an interesting hobby that I love to death, which I dedicate most of my free time to every day more or less, but we never take pictures and I don't really get to meet anyone new there. Plus it's a faux-pa to date in that environment. So it's kind of like I have to choose between the one activity that makes me genuinely happy as an individual, and affection. Plus the affection is going to take work to bring about, and there will probably be some let downs along the way. I have no family I stay in touch with and no real friends, so I have no support network to lean on for love and affection as I work on that.

That disaster relationship was a dead bedroom too, and she was an avoidant attachment type, so I never had my needs for cuddling and regular intimacy fulfilled for the last 6 years. It was actually worse if I'm being honest, because trauma from her past and a medical condition made it so when we were sexually intimate it hurt her, and now I feel weird about the prospect of being intimate again. Making my partner happy that way is or used to be so important to me, I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. I feel so touch starved. If someone hugged me I think I might burst into tears.

Which all leads to a nice cocktail of hopelessness that triggers word vomit like this. If you actually read all that, sorry for the sadsack vibes. Had to externalize it.