I have ADHD too. The inattentive kind. I am surprised you've continued to reply to me to be honest, this is probably the longest conversation I've had with another person in my life lol. I hope you feel special.

Anyway, I can easily be convinced that I am naive and don't have experience in the world. I mean I already know that.

So if you say what you said about "serious romantic relationships" then fine. I accept that. But you gotta accept that this isn't always easy for twins. Not just me. Browse /r/twins and this comes up all the time. Splitting up, dealing with relationships etc. I was talking to someone recently who said that she prefers being with her twin even though she's married to her husband.

Ratshit for her husband maybe, but people can't date twins and expect them to treat each other like regular siblings. Twins don't always have typical sibling relationships.

I accept that we are probably on the extreme end of this spectrum, but all bell curves have tails. Sorry for being a tail I suppose.

I suppose I just want you to understand it can be really uncomfortable and lonely to be away from your twin. I actually know what this feels like to some degree, because I stopped going to my twin's therapy appointments. I was the one to put my foot down on that too, because I just KNOW that there's shit she won't talk about when I'm there. The first time I did it, she was kind of mad at me for turning my back on her lol. I had never done that before.

But anyway, when we are separated like this, you don't understand the deep and awful feeling of being apart. It feels empty and sad. I know a lot of twins feel that way.

So for a while now, your sister has been your communicator for everything?

Yes my twin (going to call her P) has always been the talker. Probably since most people can't really tell us apart, nobody really noticed that I never spoke that much to begin with. I could always give basic replies to stuff so I blended in, and it's not like anyone ever gave that much of a shit to begin with.

But as a result, even now I get completely bogged down if I try to talk about complex topics in proper english. I have to mentally write it down and then read it out again. I can speak it all just fine in my own version of english, but then I'm incomprehensible.

It's annoying that you suggest that I am a burden to her by the way. I have give her so many chances to bail. I've always tried to make sure the door was open. I've never guilt tripped her into staying with me. I was the one to suggest that she make a dating profile. She KNOWS that she can leave any time. I can pick up on her slightest moods and feelings and I'd know if she was irritated by me. She can't hide that stuff from me even if she tries. It was her that suggested we like... re-promise to each other, when we moved out. If she was so burdened by me, she wouldn't have suggested that.

It's not like there aren't still mysterious things about her though. She has what I call "darkness", that sometimes comes up in her, and makes her act nutty. She takes it out on me (not in a bad way) but like... if I was the one causing this darkness then I don't think she'd be taking it out on me, she'd probably avoid me or something.

This sounds like you are dating her. This sounds like an insecure teen with their first gf/bf. What do you mean left you?

What do you mean dating? We can't date each other because we are sisters.

I swear you just can't help yourself except to project romantic inclinations on us. I am not "in love" with her. I am in "twin love" with her maybe. Laugh all you like, it's probably cringey, but I'm trying to make you see there's a difference. It's possible for us to love each other deeply but not romantically. I don't even know what "romantically in love" means.

Maybe you can help me. If you're romantically in love, what does it feel like? Can you describe it to me? If it matches what I feel, then I promise I'll admit it, and you can be horrified and disgusted and vindicated and run away screaming.

You know something occurred to me, we have this like, private joke. One time I was reading the story of Narcissus to P. She said "We're our pools". We thought that was hilarious. You have to admit that it's pretty funny. Well, if you know the story of Narcissus anyway.

But the point is, maybe you're picking up on the fact that if anything we're like the OG narcissists or something. Maybe that makes you feel better. Maybe twins loving each other narcissistically is easier for your brain to cope with than projecting romance onto it.

Oh and by "left me", I mean if she got a girlfriend and moved out. I know she will never truly LEAVE ME though.

So it’s at this part we both realize, you are in a relationship with your sister right? Like in our “backwards” western society views, you would consider yourself in a relationship with your sister.

You mean a romantic relationship again? We're not in a romantic relationship. We are in a twin relationship. We even had a ceremony lol. I'm sure that will shock you. We went down into the back garden and our witnesses were mosquitoes and march flies. It's funny, come on. Don't take it so seriously. It was fun to get dressed up and make a thing out of it. The whole point of a ceremony is to make a big deal out of something important, right? Like when people graduate. That is an example of a non-romantic ceremony.

So yes we are "in a relationship" but IT STILL ISN'T ROMANTIC.

Or maybe it is and I just don't know it, like I said, you tell me what romance feels like. Maybe I'm wrong this whole time and we're actually totally screwed up degenerates. Then you win.

But I still think we're not. Because if it was, then I'd want to have sex with her. And by the way, being asexual doesn't mean I don't have sexual urges. I posted on /r/asexuality about it a while ago because I was confused. I think of my therapist when I masturbate. Yes it's unhealthy blah blah let's not go into that. But it doesn't mean I actually want to have sex. Just like how people with r*pe fantasies don't actually want the real thing. It's just my body having hormones.

So if I was romantically interested in P then my sexual urges would be expressed toward her. Right? But I don't. So how can it be romantic?

Also I am not arguing that incest is fine. I was just making a point. I don't think incest should happen, one because it can result in screwed up babies, but also because of power and maturity imbalances. I feel similarly about massive age gap relationships and relationships where one person is very rich and the other poor. In general I think it's not good for a vulnerable person to be helplessly subjected to another more powerful person's sexual interests. That is dangerous.

With that said... my god. Why are we even talking about incest. This has been such an undercurrent in my life forever and I just cannot escape from it. It's ALWAYS singletons bringing it up. Other twins complain about this too. Read /r/twins a bit and you'll see it. What is with singletons and incest just... why.

I think you gotta get incest out of your mind okay. Maybe there is some crossover between a romantic relationship and a close twin relationship. But there is crossover between intimate platonic relationshps and romantic relationships too. It's not automatically wrong or unhealthy.

Just... I don't want my sister to bang me. Like omg. There's no repressed anything, I don't see her body that way. I have had her blood, vomit, shit and piss on me before. I feel the same way about her vagina that I do about mine. I have seen her at her worst. I don't see her body like that. The idea of us fucking is inconceivable. I might as well imagine eating myself out. Does that help you understand how I feel?

Literally the closest thing I can come to imagining any kind of incestual desire is number one seeing her at her best and understanding that she does have a nice body. But I look at my own body the same way. I can see her muscles and think "goddamn" the same way I can look at my ass in the mirror and think "goddamn".

The other thing is embarrassing but I do have a weird sense of satisfaction at the idea of her fucking my therapist lol. Holy christ I hope she's not on reddit. It's because I'm more of a submissive type but I still feel frustrated with my therapist and the idea of P slapping her around is actually pretty satisfying. I wouldn't do it myself but I like the idea of P doing it.

I don't think that's incestuous though, it's just like, well I don't know. It's more about my therapist then it is about P.

Yeah so you went through some childhood trauma, wow. A lot of us had, and a lot of us had to learn that we started on the “hard” difficulty in the game of life.

Well I never meant to imply we were special or something for it. All I wanted to do is make you understand I'm not messed up because of my sister, I'm messed up because of my parents. That's all.

I'm in therapy for being nonverbal, not for trauma. I'm considering whether I should ask my therapist to change tack as some people seem to believe I might have better luck to focus on the trauma side rather than just trying to fix the results of it. Who knows, but it's hard to talk about terrible stuff when I can't even speak out loud to begin with.

Why is there a leader in an equal relationship?

Because she's more dominant and it's just the natural way of things with us. It's also because for a long time I was a gigantic fuckwit mess. I was stuck in that, and I didn't get out of it until she made me agree to do as I'm told. After that I got better because I had to obey. But like I said, the leader thing comes up rarely now. It's just a stopgap in case I go mental again.

Are you saying that only twins be out here defending wearing masks or being vaccinated?

Okay okay I'm sorry, I take that part back lol.

Anyway. Please help me out here and help me understand what romance is.