I looked at a picture of my mom holding me as a baby once and said to myself that was the source of all your problems right there. She was holding me in a very annoyed way and couldn't be bothered and I looked very confused and unhappy. Oddly a therapist brought this up years later without me mentioning it about babies in orphanages who literally die from not being held or soothed properly. How our nervous systems carry these emotional wounds for life that we felt as babies. I was often told what a horrible baby that I was and how I cried too much. I believe that my mother did not make me feel safe, accepted or okay as a baby and that I annoyed her. I believe a few times as a baby I was in severe distress and couldn't find an ounce of comfort from my icy, bitchy, judgmental natured mother and it traumatized my nervous system for life. She is not a bad person but just the type that can't be bothered with problems or emotions.