Thanks for your words, you express more than what I can think of, thanks for giving a meaning to my feelings.

I'll give you some background: It was recent. We broke up about a week and a half ago and it hurts tremendously because I really loved this girl. We grew apart because we were very different. I am a very emotional person that goes along life as an open book, she knew me inside out and perhaps that made me very vulnerable as well. She is an introverted girl who locks her feelings down and rarely expresses her emotions, but she was very loving in her own way. At first I would question her lack of emotional connection with me because I love with all my heart and always give everything I have and a little more if I can. She was the complete opposite of this so of course I was going to get sad for not getting something in return. I give without expecting anything back, but eventually you get tired from giving and not being given something in return and for her it was obvious she was getting used to this.

At first I would get easily sad about a bunch of things because I take my feelings to the limit, but you'd be surprised how much I learnt from her and I am, without a doubt, a tougher person and better overall. I really listen to my feelings now and I've learnt to differentiate from what is true and what might be just an unnecessary thought.

I trusted her with my eyes blindfolded, I am not jealous in any way and I always look for the best traits in people and constantly reminded her that she was a great person, and that I loved her and she had my full support.

Then things started getting awry a few months back. As our relationship grew deeper she began deviating further away from her. Our main problem was communication, she knew she had issues and even though I knew her story well and everything she had suffer that made me want to make her feel better, there is little you can do for someone so broken. If you can't accept who you are, no matter how many times someone tells you that you are worth more than what you think you are, if you don't believe it for yourself then words from someone else won't change your personal perception.

I know I might have said some things before that might had seemed like I was asking for too much, but she knew it was well deserved, but didn't feel like putting the effort because she shut down to her own feelings. I might seem crazy but some feelings stick around and I knew things were wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. I knew who she was, but I rarely knew her mind and heart. She became this cold being with me, almost as if she hated me, but I don't resent her for that, I knew things were bad inside of her, but she never truly let me in and there was nothing I could do.

She would avoid romantic conversations at all costs and wouldn't really tell me when she was upset or what she really had in her mind and heart. The relationship deviated from being 50/50 to me pretty much subbing for her lack of interest because I believed I was capable enough of putting that little extra to make her happy because seeing her smile made me happy. Little did I know that was going to make me feel like shit because I felt drained, I felt tricked, but not by her, but by me thinking that one day she would change.

The day she broke up with me I saw something amazing happen. She spoke to me with an open heart for the first time. She removed her masks and showed me the real person beneath that hard shell who is capable of loving and able to help herself. She let me go because she said I was too good for her and she was too selfish so it wasn't fair to be hurting me this much. She hugged me with all the love she ever felt for me and gave me a last kiss like the person I've lost way back. I would change that moment of clarity for any other one over the last few months. She completely gave me her back, she abandoned the ship way before, but would still tell me she loved me so I wouldn't be sad. She faked an illusion that was so blatantly obvious, not because she didn't love me, but because she doesn't love herself and she can't give to someone a feeling she doesn't really know. I believe she did the most she could, but dragged me along the way, and I also dragged myself into it. I blame her for nothing she did to me, I left the pain in the past and I respected her decision because relationships are about two and it would have been extremely selfish to force her into living something she didn't want anymore.

I think that what I'm most sad about is the fact that I lost myself for giving my happiness to someone else. I devoted my self to someone I knew didn't deserve it, but I still stretched our time together because I really loved her and I didn't want to deal with the pain. All I did was help someone who didn't want to help herself and it sucks because I really saw what she is capable of and she is a great human being.

I will say I do feel anger, sadness, loneliness, and impotence. I hate her the most because I found out she is seeing someone and it hurts knowing that she moved along so quickly and it makes me question how much this time together really mattered to her, but I don't judge her because she has her own feelings and I never knew what they truly were because I was never truly a part of them.

In some way she prepared me for this long ago and she definitely made me stronger and I will learn from this because in the end I'm the only one that will always be for myself before anyone comes around to bring me back to my feet.

Despite it all, I still have a great amount of respect towards her because she made me stronger in some aspects of my personality and I know that one day she will think about what she did, and I wish she does. Not because I was perfect in the relationship or because I want her to feel what I am feeling at the moment, but because the day this weight finally comes down on her, she'll actually value the things that are really worth in life and how delicate human beings really are. She'll realise that you lose so much for not being in peace with yourself. I just hope she finds herself along the way, I wish her happiness. I wish that one day she'll finally look inside herself and embrace her feelings instead of shutting them down when they came around and that she accepts who she is and grows so she doesn't become an ever-in-denial person that is really just a reflection of her old self shaped by the sadness and problems she has deep within. I really hope she becomes the person she really wanted to be and learns from what I gave her the same way I learnt from her.