She was in my city, but distance is irrelevant. I agreed to meet her on Craigslist. My car had recently been totaled (my own fault), so I walked the better part of an hour to meet her at her apartment.

She looked even worse than her picture, and in a way, I was kind of expecting that. This was about 10 years ago for context. I didn't have high standards, so her appearance didn't mean much to me. All I cared about was that she showed interest in me.

All else aside, she was a large woman, and she met me in a tank top and Mountain Dew pajama pants. As we sat down to spoon while watching Duck Dynasty, I got handsy.

At first, I was basking in the moment. For me, any time I'm putting my hands on someone for the first time is extremely arousing. It was especially sensual because I had just met her minutes before.

My hands made their way around her, but something was off. I felt like at the time I couldn't quite place my finger on it. It turns out, my finger was on it. Right on it in fact.

When I went to pull my hand out of her, my fingers were covered in what looked like fish eggs. I had a black pepper seasoning without all the black pepper flavor. Long story short, I had to go wash my hand right away. She was nice about it, even offering me a ride home. Still, I don't recommend Craigslist.