(PART1)
Man, here goes nothing, I'm really sorry for the long essay, but I need to say this out loud at some point in my life...(obv this is already a long ass post so I'll be leaving some details out, feel free to ask me anything more you'd like to know in the comments)
A few months ago I finally realized, acknowledged and come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of fucking PTSD and emotional issues from my childhood that I never addressed and I've kept bottled away for like 31 years of my life because that's the only way I knew how to keep forging ahead. I can remember my early childhood, I was a really kind, super happy, excited and loving kid...A natural entertainer and mad creative - always...My parents provided for my sister and I, but they completely broke us emotionally, ground our spirit down into almost nothing and created an environment of dread for my sister and I. So fucking strange but I had never felt physical emotion growing up, and love was always conditional. We both grew up into adults that walk around with a feeling of impending doom 24/7, because our upbringing was so volatile.
After leaving home for college, I carefully and meticulously rebuilt myself - learning to navigate the social landscape through trial and error. Doing a lot of drugs (haha good times), making some wild friends and doing some pretty cool shit :) Though I was never able to get over the initial barrier of physical affection, and at times, the emotional barriers.
At 27, I finally found the love of my life, my partner, my best friend, my buddy, my mirror, my one and only...Everything was wonderful until she did something to trigger my trauma...All that bottled up pain started to slowly spill out - she broke my trust really early on in our relationship in a heavy way, but I guess even though I "moved past" that, deep down I never really got over it, I just handled it the only way I knew how, I threw it in the room in the back of my mind, put a lock on it, forgave her and we kept going. Also didn't help that her mother absolutely hated my guts - for no reason at all (really, believe it or not, its true, I have never done anything to her and her family except be kind and help them. I helped mend her daughter's broken relationship with her father and taught her so many things on how to take care of herself and just, always put her above everything). I think her mother was a closet racist wearing a saint's garb, but whatever, it is what it is...I still loved her daughter like nothing else I've ever felt.
Except for her breaking my trust and her mother's absurd contempt for me - we were quite the perfect couple. Mad talented at what we do, clearly meant for big things in life, crazy in love, highly compatible - we could even finish each other sentences and know what the other was thinking.
Then one day came the first storm. She became witness to an outbreak of wild, almost childish tantrums from me as I delved deeper into numbing my pain which was exacerbated by life and the curveballs it seemed to keep throwing. It didn't too happen often (or who knows I couldn't remember a thing when I woke up out of it) but before her, I was always alone, so whatever misery I was going through I took it alone and no one (at least no one who mattered) was ever really witness to the darker corners of who I am. We kept going through it, there was still love, admiration and hope between us.
After almost 4 years of having a really intense relationship in which we both tremendously grew, learning from each other and achieving our goals slow and steady, things started to get a little rocky - the 3 or 4 year lull most couples experience. I was lost in my own head trying to figure things out, completely numb on the inside, and she became increasingly busy with her work.
Last June, one day as we were laying on the grass one sunny afternoon like we always do, and she tells me she feels like our priorities seem to have changed and she doesn't know what she wants anymore. We had our last (and really maybe only) fight the next morning.
Two weeks or so later she left on a work trip, kissed me goodbye while I was still in bed, and went to another man. It all unraveled in the most horrible way possible, shredded my heart to a million pieces, my whole life upside down and I just couldn't make sense of anything - I still cannot to this day. This was the person who just a few days ago was my best friend - my everything - we spoke about this, we were gonna work through this and come out fine - I told her, please don't get carried away by anybody, these are the times people will take advantage of our predicament and break us up - but I guess she was already talking to that cuntboi at this point, who knows, I've come to realize that she can be a very deceptive person if wants to be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no fucking saint, but I never lied or cheated or stole from her. If I kept any secrets or didn't express myself, I would have if she asked for anything she wanted to know. I said the dumbest shit I wish I could take back every day since, but it was the circumstance and the heat of the moment, there are really no excuses, only reasons I can find comfort in understanding and changing.
Soon after I could tell all the people around me dropping one by one - this past year has been the most darkest, creative, difficult, confusing, chaotic, uncertain and deeply painful time of my life. I've been back to being alone, the way I was before, holding myself together lest I break into a million pieces. I almost got murdered in the pursuit of finding company and new friendship and been through some very intense experiences to add to everything.
Only a few months ago did I really start get to the root of my problems and behaviours, and the more I dug, the more the dots all connected. I'm a broken fucking person I guess, and the first thing I did was shut down that feeling of impending doom. I cry my heart out almost everyday, but I can feel I'm getting better. I can feel glimpses of happiness and hope now and then on a regular basis. I'm still not at peace with my loss of love but I can only hope the things I have learnt happened so that when truly the right one comes along, I will be the best person I can be, and we will bloom together and have a beautiful family, dreams and success of our own.
If the universe will be so kind as to let me have another chance at meeting another twin of mine, you can damn sure bet yours and mine last dollar that I am never letting go of her :)