I do this too. I'll probably delete this comment tomorrow out of fear of being discovered. It started out simple enough. When I was a kid my step dad had a deak full of porn vhs tapes. Idk where he even got them but there were probably 200 full length films in there of hard core porn fucking. Parent just figured I didn't know where the key was to the desk so I guess they didn't worry about it. I never really got a sex ed talk either. So I remember I'd watch the videos every day before I knew how to fap. I never made it to the cum shots at first. I didn't even know how it ended. One day I finally saw a dude come on a girls tits. But it was a clear weak cumshot. I couldn't figure out why he peed on that girl... I tried holding my penis and tugging at it violently like he did and sure enough boom! I thought for sure I had pissed all over the floor. Floor was white and couldn't find it. I still don't know where that went. So I felt bad about myself for a while because I figured I'd pee when I have sex. And I didn't want that. Eventually I watched more porn and realized kind of what was going on. I'd watch the porn and all the girls would either eat the cum or have it in their mouths. They would say "oh God I love the way it taste so much, I love to eat cum"

So I found it turned me on to see a girl eat cum and since they were eating it, it's probably safe. And it was trouble to clean up and consistently throw away dirty nut rags. So I tried it one day. I found that I didn't mind it. I didn't think it was great, but I got in the habit of always doing it. Now I know it's gross but it kind of turns me on in a weird way and it's easy to clean up.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to lick it off my fingers or my fiance's face, mouth, tits or pussy during sex with her. But I wouldn't dare reveal this to her or anyone. Sometimes after she blows me she goes and immediately rinses her mouth out and apologizes for not being able to kiss me after swallowing my load. And I have to pretend to be grossed out. When in reality I don't give a shit because I'm a sick pervert and I would totally kiss her right after swallowing my load.

One of my worst fears now is getting caught eating it. Like someone might see me fapping and choose to hide out. Then at the end see me casually eat up the evidence, put on my pants then go wash my hands afterwards.