tl;dr: My mother was great, but still I was an extremely reckless teenager, and I'm afraid that I could never keep a person safe.

I had a great mother, single mom, did everything she could for me, and did a damn good job. Despite that, I got into heavy drug use at 15, and kept it from her. I was a great student, did varsity sports, tons of extracurriculars, so she never suspected a thing. My behavior could've easily landed me in jail, or literally killed me. I remember being 16, in a car driven by a drunk 20-something year old, me sniffing cocaine, on the way to pick up MDMA and go to a club with a fake ID...my mom though I was spending the night at a friends' to study for an exam. Along the road, she texted me goodnight, good luck on your test, I love you, see you after school tomorrow. That was the first moment I realized how terribly my behavior would be devastating had she been aware...and the first moment I realized I never want kids.

20 years later, I still don't. I have a loving partner, a nice home, we both have stable jobs...but the way I was as a teenager is harrowing to say the least. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child who is almost an adult. Also...I just don't want the responsibility.

Looking back, I can hardly believe that I'm still alive. My mother is an amazing, badass, successful, kind, wonderful woman. If a person like that could be duped by a teenager, I have no faith in my personal ability to keep another person safe.