What makes total sense, yet some people refuse to do?

I don't know anything about the relationship between you and your daughter's mom, but you said you hate her, so I'm guessing some shit went down.

Here's the thing.

You are tethered to this woman and everyone she loves for the rest of your life. I'm guessing that she has at least one parent in her life, maybe siblings, and they are probably important to your daughter. You're tethered to them too. Since your ex is allowed to move on with her life, you'll need to get along with a new guy as well.

You'll be dealing with these people forever. Act accordingly.

There's going to be the first day of school, various school functions, birthday parties, holidays, softball practice, dance recitals, etc. for many years to come. Your daughter will want a happy mom and dad at all of these events.

And it won't end at 18 or whenever your daughter grows up and moves out. Then you'll have a college graduation, maybe a wedding, maybe a grandchild or two. Every  major milestone in her adult life, you will have some degree of interaction with all of these people.

I have been in a similar situation.

I have a five-year-old with my ex. We separated a few months after our son turned one. There was no cheating or anything big and dramatic like that, we just both changed a lot and grew apart. We ended up bickering over little stuff constantly, then that turned into massive arguing over bigger things, and eventually we just couldn't fucking stand the sight of each other and we were fighting nonstop. Obviously, it was really fucking miserable. When I realized the relationship was no longer salvageable, I left him. It was more of a relief than anything. We both agreed that it was better for us to not be together.

When I started dating my current partner, my ex and I been separated for a year and a half. He (ex) became uncharacteristically angry about this relationship when he realized that it was getting serious. He flew off the handle, came into my work crying, called me begging to get back together, told me that he hoped my boyfriend was run over by a car. He said he hated me, he hated him, he hated the friend who introduced me to my boyfriend, etc. It was a total shit show.

A few weeks later, he apologized for all that and told me that he was just really fucking scared that our son would love my current partner more than he loves him. He was like "I know that he will always love me and it sounds so stupid, but it's really hard to deal with all this."

You said you're resentful that she's going to bring someone else around to raise her, so I'm guessing that you're feeling something similar. Seems like a pretty normal reaction, understandably so. But nothing replaces daddy. My son gained a step dad and a ton of other people who love him, but he didn't lose any love for his dad. That's a special relationship that no one can replace.

Your daughter's happiness is more important than anything else. She wants her mom and dad to get along, and if you don't, she'll assume it's her fault mommy and daddy don't like each other. That's a pretty standard reaction from children. Don't put your daughter through that.

Here's a few things that I have found help make co-parenting go well for everyone, his dad does all this as well:

  • Never say anything negative about him in front of our son - or on social media.

  • The kiddo always make something special for Father's Day, holidays, and daddy's birthday.

  • Invite his dad and grandparents to any upcoming special function well in advance so they can plan their work schedules around it without hassle.

  • FaceTime with daddy on any day he doesn't see him

  • Being as flexible as possible in regards to any extra time he wants to keep him

  • I also keep an old photo of my ex and me on his nightstand. He might not remember us being together, but we're still his two favorite people.

Good luck. I know it's difficult. If you want to talk, feel free to message me.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent