im just gonna go ahead and post a novel, because i want to talk this out for myself :)
Its been a long road for me because i messed up so many times. Ive always had a hard time caring about anything, and thats especially true when i have to continue to put in effort. Most of the last 3 years has been kind of a depressed haze where i didnt really care about much of anything, except maybe my (now ex) girlfriend. Smoked alot of ciggarettes and pot, and drank soda/vodka ALL the goddam time. Grew up in some extremely fucked up abusive situations, in a household where soda was the main beverage and we practically lived off microwave junk. so theres a little background of where i was at just a short while ago.
Well, after college i moved in with my girlfriend. we were both fat, but she had always been a lot less active and averse to any form of physical activity besides sex. We lived together and got fatter, feeding into eachothers shitty lifestyle habits. also ended up giving my best friend a room in our place to help with rent and he got fatter too, even though he was never fat. Well, eventually me and her broke up. i got depressed and lonely, and things only got worse. The ex then went through every step to destroy my heart even though we broke up mutually and she claimed to want to stay friends. She had to tell me about all the new guys she hooked up with, despite me telling her not to. then, she hooks up with me again and then proceeds to tell me that she never actually loved me the whole time, she just liked having someone be affectionate and take care of her (her fucking words). i decide to stop talking to her after that, But she wasnt having that so she decided to hook up with my bestfriend/roommate that i mentioned earlier, and they immediately jump into some lovey relationship like its been happening for months already.
thats when i said fuck it, and dropped them both from my life. moved out and broke ties with my previous best friend, and cut all contact with the both of em. decided that the root of the problem was entirely my fault. if i was better, i could get someone better, or atleast have options. Why would anyone want someone who is so inadequate physically and mentally? stepped on the scale and saw the highest number ive ever been: 285 cringe. that day was the day where my mind completely switched gears, and i had to being caring about myself. being mindful of all that i did.
well, big changes so far. Saving up alot of money in my new place, and im moving out west soon to start a new life for myself. needed to leave it all behind. By then, i had managed to quit smoking, and after the breakup i quit drinking soda. i had been trying on and off to get my food in check but never could, but now i truly feel disciplined and conscious. Started running, but wasnt seeing much results so i bought a 6 month gym membership, and my weight loss began to soar. im down 20 pounds after 5 weeks at the gym, which is really just a start, but its all the habits ive built that are what has helped me. i still get hazy and depressed about once a week, but i try my best not to dwell and ive learned that by associating the gym with a video game, even my depressed brain has no problem going to the gym because i enjoy it as much as i enjoyed laying around playing games. My life has changed, and i suddenly care about myself. i dont feel trapped to my families fate... i always thought in the back of my head that my weight was inevitable and it was too late to change. it wasnt. This is the first thing ive had in years that i know i wont give up, and that im truly passionate about. Ive slowly built up all the pieces and now they already feel like a part of me.