My triplets were diagnosed with autism at 19 months of age. We got early intervention early, and always had a lot of support (nothing like triplets to motivate social workers/funding agencies).

My son became aggressive and self-injurious at 6 years of age, and it got to the point where I couldn't keep him safe, or his sisters safe from him. I was a single parent, so every time he put me in the hospital it was a reason for our support agencies to question the safety of all of the kids.

So when he was 7, I made the choice to put him in a group home, because it came down to numbers. I could keep myself and his sisters safe, or I could try to keep him safe. Later on (because I'd made his placement a child safety issue) I faced losing custody of him completely, as the rules in our province stated that a parent who'd willingly relinquished physical custody didn't deserve any contact. I actually got those rules and funding guidelines changed, but my son and I still l lost out.

He's been in a 'good' place for many years, and we've got the hope of a good adult placement for him. His sisters are doing at least as well as can be expected- we did have the cancer thing etc., but it really came down to numbers for me. There's only so much of me and funding to go around, and my son lost out.

I try not to think too deeply on it- I think that I made the only choice that I could at the time. But my son lost out- if he'd been only one very autistic, non-verbal, aggressive/self-injurious child, I could have given him the support that he needed. But he wasn't, and he got the short end of the stick.

I'm used to just moving hour to hour and day by day to get through my kids' needs, but that's because there are a few kids to consider.

He lost out, on every level. If he'd been an only child I could have given him support, spared him the trauma of living with too many people, and supported him and loved him as much as anyone could.

But I couldn't. And that will haunt me forever- I still regularly howl at the moon because my son has borne the brunt of the only decision that I felt that I could make- do you keep one child safe, or more children safe? If life was fair he would have been an only child, or his sisters would have been only children, so that each of them could get the care and love that it is reasonable to expect from a parent.