3: Look at my profile history.
2: My bachelor party. This takes a little explaining. I worked with this older, undersexed, frustrated, Catholic guy that lived vicariously through the younger guys at work. When I said I was getting married, he jumped at the chance to arrange the bachelor party. This was back when the Internet was young, but he found an Internet stripper. She had a list of requirements that he made sure to fulfill: A chair, a tarp, and some other household items. They bought the tarp and the other stuff, but as far as a chair goes, they went with one of those plastic lawn chairs. The party was at a friend's house, and he didn't want to ruin a regular chair, because his girlfriend would have killed him.
The day comes, and I arrive to my friend's house to blow-up dolls, midget porn, and excessive amounts of alcohol. The stripper shows up with a bodyguard. Next thing I know, I'm in a lawn chair with whipped cream down my boxers, getting chocolate syrup poured over myself and the stripper. She... Was a food fetish stripper. Buddy did not do his research.
I spent the next hour slathered in food items of every type, as the stripper smeared it all over me with her body. All I could focus on was the track marks on the backs of her legs.
Well... She did this "shimmy down" move, and popped back up, scraping her back along the lawn chair on the way. She grunted in pain, but soldiered on. So now I'm covered in condiments and stripper blood in front of an audience.
Once it was over, she took me into the shower and "cleaned me off." Then she introduced us all to something called "clam shots."
Every single one of my friends swore that they would take the story of that night to their graves. I told my fiancé the next day, and she laughed for 10 minutes straight.
1: My girlfriend texted me that she wanted me to come over. I kissed my wife (same girl as the fiancé from story 2,) and took off. She sexted the girlfriend to get her worked up. I... Won't go into the details right now, but I had to swing back home before work to get a change of clothes (the set I had was totally ruined,) and I was a total zombie the entire day due to lack of sleep. It didn't help that I got attacked as soon as I got home by a horny wife. There were plenty of other slutty things involving those two, but I can't think of anything sluttier than your wife dirty talking your girlfriend into a frenzy so she'll do unspeakable things to you on a work night while she waits her turn.