The post got deleted by the Mods, thanks Mods.. but it was an AskReddit answer to the question "I Should I be asking my realtor when looking/buying a house"
No one's probably going to read this, but what the hell. I'm an investor, and I look at a ton of property. Here are the things I actually give a shit about. Also, don't ask a realtor. Realtors are the scum of the earth. They make used car salesmen look like boy scouts. This is probably the biggest investment you'll ever make. Do not trust the weasel faced jackass who gets a commission off of this. NEVER EVER LET YOUR AGENT PICK YOUR INSPECTOR. NEVER. Pick one highly rated off of Angie's list who is ASHI certified. Follow that fucker like a dog in heat. Ask tons of questions. If your inspector makes your agent turn pale in the face, that's your guy. Ask about the foundation and the drainage. Fixing a foundation can cost you anywhere from $40k-100 depending on the type of foundation and severity of damage. Let me repeat that: $100k potential repair cost. If it's a concrete slab, ask if they have a sump pump. Find out how much "settling" has occurred. If you find a Crack and you can fit a screwdriver in it, run like hell or get a structural engineer. Check for gutters. Do you know what rain water next to your house does? It soaks into your foundation. That's a serious nightmare. Seriously, ask about the foundation. Don't play games with this. The roof! What type of roof is it? Asphalt shingle? Tile? Metal? It's most likely shingle. How many layers on there? Some people just put a whole new set of shingles over the previous one. That's technically a no-no. It increases the weight on the roof and you can't add another layer of shingles so you'll end up removing it all and starting all over. Is the attic properly ventilated? A really hot, moist roof=mold and decaying roof deck support. Plumbing. Check the water intake pipe. If there's a round ball shape near the entrance of it, that's a sign that the pipes are lead. Let me repeat thst--YOU'RE DRINKING WATER LACED WITH LEAD. Not good. Make sure those pipes are inspected. Is it old ass Galvanized pipe? Christ, I can feel the pain in my ass already. Also that big beautiful tree in the front? It's roots may be slamming up against the pipes. Serious money right there to fix. Looking for discoloration and bubbling paint. That's a sign of a leak. Get a moisture detector. If there's a leak, it's going to be a pain to find and fix. Check each water source for leaks, water pressure, and temperature. Push the toilet a bit. Does it jiggle like a fat man's belly? It needs a new plastic ring my friend. Check and see if there is a pipe extending out of the roof. That's the plumbing vent where the sewerage gas is released. If you don't see it, it's probably in your attic. Poisoning you. Making you sick. The electrical. Is this house an aluminium wiring/knob and tube death trap? Check for GFCI outlets in the kitchen and bathrooms so, you know, you don't shock yourself to death. Buy one of those outlet testers at Lowe's. Check and make sure the outlets are grounded and wired right. Also check your fuse box for recalled brands. Many of them are fire hazards. Water heaters. Get the model and the year. Find out when this thing is going to die on you. Cause it will die on you, you poor, helpless mother fucker. I HATE water heater tanks in the basement. When it dies and leaks, guess where the water goes? Into your foundation. It's also the lowest point in the house so have fun trying to drain the bitch. Upgrade to tankless point of use and thank me later. If you have a gas water heater, for the love of Christ, make sure it's vented properly. Those things release carbon monoxide and will kill you in your sleep. Also, any exposed wood or flammable material near the water heater is a recipe for a human BBQ. Test the appliances. Ask how old they are. What maintenance did these asshats perform? Did they clean the condenser coils and the gaskets on the fridge? Do they even know what those words mean? If there's still a warranty and a company that services these appliances, find out now. Siding. Make sure there is a water barrier beneath that siding. Vinyl is final. Hardie board is also good. Check for warping, bulges, and holes where water can get in. There's a million other things you need to look for, but I'll leave it up to you. People talking about neighborhoods and noise levels have a point, but these things can be mediated. You can wear earplugs and put up fence/security camera. You can't wave a wand and get a new foundation. Think about the structural quality of the house first and everything else second. EDIT: Jesus H. Christ. Wow. Thanks for all the love. And to all the shitty real estate agents sending me pm hate--you're still a pack of cocksuckers. I hope a first-time home buyer fucks your mother. It's like those stupid public awareness ads say--Knowledge is Power. Don't be a fucking idiot. Edit 2: Fuck. Now I gotta write a blog and a book over the weekend. And I just wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy and eat cheetos. If you have any questions, PM me and I'll answer them/post the question on the blog and answer. Final Edit: Okay it's done. I have a blog now. You fuckers happy? Now I get to have my blood pressure up. ALL.THE.TIME. If you decide to buy a house, go to http://fuckthishouse.wordpress.com/ or just PM me. If you do PM, I get to post the question on the blog so that everyone can learn. Fair trade. I'm going to start answering all of your questions as best as I can one at a time so it may take a while.