Throwaway because I'm so incredibly vocal about this guy so anyone who reads this will know exactly who I'm talking about and exactly who I am, but without further ado, let me tell you about the Rat King.
He perpetually smells like human shit due to a combination of B.O, rotten teeth and shitty underwear. He has dirty, untreated nails and an undiagnosed rash on his fingers that for all I know could be contagious. And he spends all day with his hand down his pants and his fingers up his ass. I work in a kitchen.
Now I'm not talking a cheeky scratch on the ol bum cheek, I'm talking elbow deep penetration. Dude must have lost his watch in there or something because if he bent over backwards any further he'd keel over. And the thing is, he's either completely oblivious or a glutton for sexual thrill because he'll start picking his ass mid-conversation without skipping a beat or losing eye contact. Shit's fucked. Everyone calls him out on it too, but he finds weird, "That's not how that works..." ways of justifying himself when you do, like "It's fine, I wash my hands" (he doesn't) or "It's from working in a hot environment" (and not washing).
But wait, there's more.
He's creepy (and a dick). Like, shit, I'm a dude and I find him creepy. He makes super inappropriate comments to the female staff all the fucking time, from "Woah don't bend over near me," to "Don't worry, I would never rape you." He routinely greets women with "You look tired" and/or "Smile!". And, of course, he has no concept of personal space and no understanding of the word "No" (bearing in mind he smells bad). He'll also awkwardly coerce hugs out of people and seize every opportunity to make things weirdly intimate.
Add to this that the dude could turn "awkward, one-sided conversation" into an Olympic sport. Sometimes I'll put headphones in and blank him, often prefacing this with "I'm going to put headphones in so I can concentrate", just to see how long he can hold a conversation with himself. Spoiler: it's a long fucking time.
All he talks about is anime and video games, and he drops references that no one understands. Like, he'll greet people by squatting down and screaming "EY B0SS" at them, and the other day he said "Dora the Explorer is looking pretty good for a four year old" and then danced away singing "I'm a medieval man." He also routinely calls people autistic.
Now, I spend too much time on the internet, so, while completely bizarre and excruciatingly painful to watch, I understand those references. But out of context, to someone who doesn't spend every night on the internet, those kind of comments are just inappropriate and can get you in serious trouble. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't listen.
Every conversation ends up with him showing you a YouTube video on his phone - which is a bio-hazard in itself. All the glass has chipped away, the screen is a jagged iceberg in a sea of exposed electronics, and it's always wet with whatever he currently has on his hands: water, butter, raw meat juices. He doesn't give a fuck. He's just completely oblivious to the fact his hands are dirty, and this applies to everything he touches. You'll unknowingly grab a door handle only to find it uncomfortably warm and wet with grease, and you recoil in horror as you behold the scene before you. "Holy shit," you think. "Is that fucking butter?" That's right. It is butter. It's all butter. Everything is lathered in butter. The door, the handle, your fucking fingers. How?... HOW? For all I know that could be raw meat juices, and I'd wager 90% of the time it fucking is. Dude's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Plus, no one gives a shit about the videos. It's always a 40min DBZ fight scene or some other bullshit. I mean, you're at work, put your fucking phone away. You'll have your head down, working away, and this unholy amalgamation of technology and butter will slide into your peripheral vision. You'll tell him to fuck off, but he doesn't relent. You'll try to move away, but you can't ever escape it.
Oh, and he thinks he's Solid Snake. He works with a paper towel tied around his head like a bandana, and every now and again he'll splash it with water to make it look like he's been sweating. One time he got something in his eye so he tied a paper towel around his head like an eyepatch. He tries to teach people how to knife fight and perform all these stupid hand-to-hand maneuvers that he learned from watching anime, and even threatened to break someone's arm when they pissed him off. It's just fucking embarrassing.