When I was in college, I was walking near campus on a street called “The Ave”. The street had a bunch of restaurants and stores that students went to often but there was also a big homeless population there and a lot of strange people. Many times had run ins with weird people, mostly people on drugs who would scream at you or steal from the shops and restaurants.

But the weirdest one was this little asian man. he doesn’t look entirely homeless but also not entirely dressed normal. He walked up to me one day and asked me in a very strong asian accent (entirely just putting that detail in so you know what accent to read his final words to me in) “what color are your eyes?” This is my freshmen year and my first time being in a big city, so naively I stopped to listen to what he had to say. He says “oh you have beautiful blue eyes and pretty blonde hair” and pulls out this ancient flip phone with a picture of a blonde, blue eyed girl and says “this my girlfriend. you look like her. I take good care of her, i give her nice cars, buy her nice things.” i’m weirded out now and try walking away but he stops me and pulls out an envelope filled with cash. i’m talking thousands of dollars, this was a huge envelope. He continues “i’ll give you this money, this is $X000 dollars (i forget how much now). I’ll give you this money and buy you nice things like my girlfriend!” Now that I’ve finally put the pieces together and realize what he’s saying, i’m basically running away while he’s still calling after me. He never seemed dangerous and there were tons of people around so it never really bothered me.

Fast forward two years later, I’m riding in the passenger in my then boyfriends car going down that street with the window down. Then all the sudden that man sees me again, runs over to the car, and as we’re driving away he yells after me “I’LL MAKE YOU A PROFESSIONAL DICK SUCKER”. and that was the last I saw him, but i’ll never forget that line. or the look on my ex boyfriends face (he thought it was hilarious and terrifying, as did i)

tldr; a strange man near my college campus pulled out an envelope full of thousands of dollars and told me he could make me “a professional dick sucker” and i still can’t think of anything i’d want to do less than that.