James leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair. Not many cruise captains still had their hair, especially at the ripe old age of 143, it added to his charm. Not that it was any help in a Shian prison. James looked around assessing the room. It was completely metallic. Cold, dark and smelt like a damp cave. There was a bench that ran along the side of the prison cell that was covered in mould and was soft and wet to touch. It made James skin crawl, but after 72 hours it had become a better option then floor. But… none of it was a surprise, the Shian were notorious for their poor treatment of humans. In their eyes humans are nothing more then speaking cattle. A horrible horrible species. The worst part was that they actually looked human. If it wasn’t for the gills on their necks you would think they were from the same galaxy. The rattling of a key in an old lock had james’s attention immediately. Was it time? “I’m not ready” he though to himself. The door creaked open and three men walked in. Two shian guards and a human. A very familiar looking human. “You guys really need to upgrade your security system, I’ve had a harder times getting a duraki to jingle my bells if you know what I mean….. “ he said with an exaggerated smile. “You know what I mean. I can tell this guy knows.” The familiar man said while he nudged the Shian guard and repeatedly raised his eyebrows. The guard looked at the other and shook his head. They both turned around and walked out without saying a word. “Ok ok I get it shians don’t technically have bells but..” The door slammed close in his face. “ok see you guys at dinner! Save me a seat!! He yelled. Then he turned his attention to james who was sitting like a statue staring with a look of disbelief. “Those guys are so funny. Always joking” said the familiar looking man as he rolled his eyes and smiled. “Far out guy, who died in here. Sheesh. Smells frikkin horrible.” “It kind of reminds me of my honeymoon… “ he said and then looked in a daze at the ceiling.” “Ahh condrina. Have you ever been with a duraki? They have fucking tentacles with pussys dude. Its fucking amazing.” The familiar man started to make gyrating motions towards the door, his face contorting in glimpses of awkward pleasure. James sat completely shocked and speechless. The man looked back at james and abruptly stopped. “Shit. Where are my manners. Im jack… Jack Black” he then bowed and curtsied to James. “I know who you are” said james. “But what the hell are you doing here? We are billions of light years from the closest verbally commumicating galaxy.” And plus you’re frikkin jack black… You’re an actor for godsake.. What are you doing on a shian prison ship?” “Ok first things first. I’m a musician/actor/interplanetary consultant” said jack very proudly while he obnoxiously ate some potato chips, spilling crumbs everywhere. “And another thing, can you believe how rude shians are? Noone wants to drink with me and their only alcohol is some fermented giant caterpillar eggs. It tastes like someone pissed in a fanta!” “Ok slow down jack. All I want to know is why you’re here and what they’re going to do to me. I know what shians do to humans found guilty of pirating jamware. I’m too old to be put on their reality entertainment broadcasts. I wouldn’t survive the first round “
“Has anyone ever told you that you look like shia leboufs older brother?” said jack with his hand on his chin and a fierce look of concentration. “I’m going to fucking kill you jack.” Said james quietly as he clenched his fists and walked slowly towards jack. Whom was already backing away with his hands up and his eyes wide open. “Woah woah. Easy tiger. Calm down, look at me. Look at me james. I can get you out of here. Apparently the shians have been punished by the star alliance for mistreatment of humans and yada yada yada I’m their new human consultant.” “This is ridiculous. This isnt happening.” Mumbled james as he paced up and down the cell. Jack sat down on the bench and crossed his legs. “I’ll get you out of here… All I want in return is one thing James. One small tiny insignificant thing.” “What do you want Jack. Anything. Just name it.” Said james in desperation. “Ok great, all I want and all I need is that finger print you had digitally scanned in Typhus and the dialogue key to initiate the warp sequence for Serenity.” “You’re not as dumb as you look jack.” “Oh I know James, I’m not as ugly as I look either… No wait, I mean ..”