I stare blankly at the document that I've been holding for the past hour. The will.

My fathers will, to be exact.

I go from staring at the will to staring at the ceiling. My eyes focus on a water stain smack dab in the middle. "Hmmm" I think to myself, "maybe I can repair that stain with the 50 dollars that my father left me..."

A strangled laugh forces it's way out of my mouth. It sounds strange compared to the stark quietness that I've been living in for the past week. 50 dollars.

It's not about the money, it never has been, it's just the fact that my father is - well, was- the richest man in the WORLD, and he left me less money than what the toilet paper that he used to wipe his ass with, cost!

I scanned the will again, just to make sure that I wasn't suffering some kind of temporary psychosis the last 20 times I read it.

It said that if I go on a quest to retrieve his long lost golfball (which he affectionately referred to as Wanda), then I am entitled to another 15,000. The only problem with that is the fact that "Wanda" was lost in the pond that some rich prick in Florida used as his pet alligator pit. There was another request on there:

he wanted his skin peeled off of his body and preserved, so that it could be used as a throw rug. He referenced the nice 2,000 dollar grizzly bear skin that he kept next to The fireplace in one of his living rooms. If I went through with that, then I would be awarded a cool 300,000 dollars. Was that even possible? There's no way I'm turning my idiot father into a throw rug.

If I went tango dancing with president Obama, I would receive 1000 dollars. (Why??)

If I gave my cat, Sophie, to Sven, the creepy Russian man that lives next to my fathers estate, then I can claim 20,000 dollars.

I roll my eyes, "why would I do any of those things? His only wish in death was to make an idiot of me. Typical." I think to myself as I head out the door, wielding my cat under my right arm, an old spear under my left (to ward off alligators with, duh), my flashy dancing shoes snug on my feet and water goggles on my head.