"Still with me there, Dave? I know Hell can be kind of a drag but we need to keep it simple for a reason, you know? Dull, though, especially if you've been to the other places."
"Like Heaven? Haven't been."
"Oh, no, I know I'm biased but it's even worse up there. Ask Dante in Tourism, if you don't believe me. Personally, I enjoy trips to Nirvana. Sometimes there's a transfer issue and some New-Age-Hippy winds up with a faulty pass, usually their 'Transcendent State' was just for Instagram pictures, and I have to go fetch 'em. Don't worry, doubt you'll have to deal with that. Between you and me, Shiva is a great guy but his admin is up to shit."
"I have a colleague actually who had a lot of good things to say about Purgatory, funny enough. Never took it for a place to have opinions on."
"Oh, it's fantastic. You just kind of zone out for a couple of eternities, it's like a hot-stone massage for your soul. Anyway, over there is the 'Pit of Eternal Yearning & Desire' where all the whores and sexual deviants go. People like Cleopatra and Shakespeare..."
"Billy Shakespeare, really?"
"Oh, yeah, got a special request for him. Continuing... On that side we have our 'Infinite Torture Chamber' for all the angry fellows and the brawlers. You know the type."
"My dad used to call them Irish Lovers."
"Hah, yeah he told me that one. Kinda ironic he's there himself. Anyway, my office is down on the 7th floor that you are welcome to make your own. It's right between Appeals and the big three-headed dog that's chewing on Judas, so he'll point you in right the right direction. Most people know it, just ask for Fraud and you'll find it no problem."
"You have an Appeals department?"
"Busiest place down here. Well, we get like twenty infinities of request per minute and, even though they never go through, they still have to processed. Major pain in my tail. So, Dave, any other questions?"
"Just one, Mr. Morningstar..."
"Please, call me Lucifer."
"Right, Lucifer, I just wanted to follow up on exactly how everyone gets sent where?"
"Oh, fuck, my bad. It's simple. Everyone who is admitted to Hell comes through the main gate..."
"The one with the Latin on it?"
"Right, right, right, 'Abandon All Hope Ye Who...', blah blah blah. New submissions must hand over their Damnation Documents and those can be found with Beelzebub, who I'm sure you've met?"
"Big guy with all the flies?"
"That's Bubba. Big Queen fan so just bring that up, get him on your side and you'll be saved... Oh... Hahaha! Slip of the ol' forked tongue, eh? Back to my point, standard issue admits everyone by branding their sin on their forehead so you don't even need to see their papers."
"About that, obviously a lot of souls get sent down here for more than one thing..."
"99.9% have multiples. We don't overthink it, you can find the Sinner's Chart in your files that rate from top to bottom. Like, we had a huge red-tape fuck up when Jeffrey Dahmer came in and we had to tailor for him. Nonetheless, protocol just goes with the top sin. Prideful-Thieves go to Pride. Rapist-Murderers go to Murder... But that's a hot topic so try not to bring it up."
"Great, I think that's it. Hope you enjoy your time off. Where are you headed? Jannah for the 72 virgins, amirite?"
"No, me and the CEO there don't get along. He's basically the same exact deity as my previous employer, you wouldn't believe."
"So? Shangri-La, or something?"
"Muncie, Indiana. Got a cousin up there with a fishing cabin, so..."
"Oh..."
"Yeah... Well then, Dave, guess I'll see you in Hell."