I'm just now coming out of the lonely haze. 7 years and engaged, then she suddenly left. Turns out while I was dealing with a bunch of issues she was chatting with her ex. I found out she'd cheated... Now she's trying to get ahold of me for "one last chat."

The thing is, this break has given me a chance to see who she truly is/was. She never helped with bills and just sat smoking pot all day. She's been incredibly selfish throughout the entire break up, even just saying "I deserve a last talk" or "I don't think it's fair that he doesn't want to talk to me" (after she cheated on me!!!). She hasn't been developing herself as a person or even budgeting when asked. She has a lot of growing up to do. Breaking it off was probably the best thing she could have done for me, but she keeps dragging it on. Every time she contacts me (somehow, even though I've tried blocking her everywhere I could) it throws me back into a bad thought pattern (although less and less each time).

What about what I deserve? I deserve to date someone who won't cheat on me. I deserve someone who won't throw away an engagement for a fling and then expect me to be there waiting when it doesn't work out. I deserve a partner who will help with bills, budget, help me through hard times and work to improve themselves. I deserve to be left to move on when my heart is shattered.

There's a little part of me that misses her, and it's that lonely part. No amount of logic or reason can convince that lonely part that going back would be a terrible idea. It doesn't matter that I know she'd do this again, or that I'd never trust her if we did get back together. That lonely part of me misses her... It misses her mannerisms, the beneficial things she did do, her smile, her embrace, her family, her little notes & hearts. I can't convince it to be excited for new love interests, new experiences or a new future. It's just lonely.

I kind of hate that part of me right now.