First I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault and you never did anything to deserve this.

I was assaulted by a good friend of five years. This friend and I had a very close relationship and talked a lot of politics and about feminism. We had also been sleeping together a few months. So when I was assaulted it was very hard to come to terms with it. I just couldn't fit the image of him all those years being a stand up guy with the fact that when we were both voluntarily intoxicated but he did not accept my repeated no until I just gave up. If anyone else told me that what happened to me happened to them I would say it was rape but I still can't believe it was. I always think maybe I should have been more clear maybe I'm remembering wrong but I remember saying no over and over. This happened about eight months ago. We don't talk anymore at all and Ive only had to deal with one group setting and I'm pulling away from all those ppl who I've known for years now because of it. I haven't told anyone aside from a phone counsellor a month ago and anonymously online. It's constantly bouncing around in my head all fucking day and I'm too scared to tell anyone because I feel like they wouldn't believe me.

Anyways all this to say you're not alone in having a hard time processing it ❤️