I can understand. I'm similar. Mine comes from the fact that nothing I did was ever, ever good enough for my father or my mother. If I didn't do something perfectly the first time I did it, I was a stupid dumbass who should've known better. It was a constant barrage of criticism, screaming, getting whipped while they tell me exactly how stupid I am or that I'm useless and should probably stop living, and just making snarky remarks about all the things I do wrong. And they were like this about everything, from the smallest chore to getting into university or getting a job. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

They're the kind of Asian parents that believed that any sort of praise or compliment or acceptance would result in me being arrogant or having a big ego. So they practiced what they considered to be "teaching humility and being humble" to me, but it just basically made me lose every scrap of self-confidence, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-esteem. That has haunted me my entire life. I'm 38 now and I'm still afraid of disapproval, everything seems to bring me into a state of toxic shame and embarrassment, and I always feel like I'm not good enough, that sooner or later someone will realize just how much of a stupid dumbass I am and point that out to everyone, and EVERYTHING is always my fault.

Like, you know how it's normal to like and not like people? When people don't like you or get mad at you for whatever reason, the normal person's response would probably be to shrug and say, "Whatever. I didn't do anything to them, it's their problem" or something like that. I, instead, will internalize that dislike or anger and think to myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" and delve into what I may have done, or the person that I am, to see what I did wrong -- the assumption being that it's my fault. The worst thing is that I STILL do this even when it's with people who aren't worth it.

I've tried really hard to combat this, but I still can't seem to stop wanting agreement/approval/etc. deep down. I guess the little child inside me is still hoping and waiting for daddy's approval. It sucks, because I'm in a storm of utter shame and rage and pain when I make a mistake (in my head, it's normal and fine for other people to make mistakes, but it's not okay for me to do so), or when I don't do something perfectly (in my head, I don't expect other people to be perfect, but I need to strive to be), or when I know that something I want/decide isn't going to sit well with others -- like fleeing halfway around the world from my parents and putting an ocean between us, because that's the only way I could feel safe.

Sorry for the veritable essay. I suppose it's been on my mind a lot so I just wanted to commiserate and tell you that I get you, and that I can understand somewhat of how you might be feeling (I don't presume to know/understand all of what you're going through, because it's different for everyone, but I believe I can say that I can understand part of it), and I hope that at least with my ramblings, you might feel a tiny bit less alone.

I don't have the answers and I don't have solutions -- I'm still struggling with things, though it's gotten better these past few months because I've made an effort since the start of the year to cultivate a more positive mindset and to try to drown out the negative voices in my head. Or see them as trolls whose words I can disregard and not immediately believe.