10000 char limit Part 2
meet targets. I was told I was pathetic for overdosing a month after discharge – the first overdose in 5 years. Being sent to a specialist ICU unit out of CMHT control, I think everything hit the fan when the London doctors asked me why I hadn’t sought help and I referred them to the paper trail. It’s unbelievable - £30K+ because CMHT took a disliking to me. I refused the transplant although they might have forced one anyway. If so, the bill would have been £250K+ (officially the UK doesn’t sell organs so why the price tag?).
My parents emotionally and psychologically abused me and continue to do so. Abusers of this type take a long time to detect because they often use authorities as proxies. The authorities (police, social services, NHS) know this but won’t act because this would mean admitting serious mistakes in their conduct towards me during my childhood. So my mother continues to use the police and NHS as a proxy to abuse. It looks a lot like I had very mild autism but this wasn’t really a thing in the early 90s. My parents simply dumped me because I was a difficult child.
I did hate-fuck life. I was a child thrown into care simply because I was unwanted. When you aren’t under a Care Order, Social Services won’t want you either. Social workers generally don’t like putting even the most abused children into these Children’s Homes because doing so writes them off for life. The air was thick with the smell of burning flesh as I entered the building for the first time because another child had earlier set himself on fire. You should see the other kids I lived with. They are all doing very badly – something like 10 kids and 100+ convictions. Before care, I scored 166/178 with Mensa (old scale but I can prove it) and I read Tolstoy for a dare when I was 9 or 10. Suddenly was being treated as a juvenile offender. I remember laughing at the Education Welfare Officer for threatening to throw me out of school for truancy. Do you know what it is like to be the poorest kid in a school? When your parent refuse to buy uniform and social service say they don’t have to? Same with books. There was a computer at the home for schoolwork but nobody was allowed to use it – it was just for show. No books. Nothing. Or when the teachers know you are in care but the other students don’t, so they try to embarrass you about it? Despite UK being a “wealthy nation” I was treated like shit in care. UK PLC despises anyone who needs health and social care. Being dependent on benefits give British people the right to hate you. This is not just me. A care leaver, homeless at 18, I was recently studying an MSc and have a 1st class in IT. I was sectioned twice in the month before I started studying this course (once for trying to decapitate myself with a motorway flyover and once where I was given a kicking by Police on the A&E CCTV so I ran away and got an even bigger kicking for putting several constable’s careers in jeopardy). You need medical evidence to claim assistance for disability at university but this was refused unless I agreed to have a complaint dropped. As soon as I got out of hospital, I was refused any further documents by CMHT. When I quit the course because of mental health, I cycled 10 miles to the CMHT offices and doused myself in petrol. I was prohibited from driving as a punishment for giving a psychiatrist the finger so I have limited experience with petrol. I wanted to immolated for at least a year, but reflex made me throw the can when the fuel got in my eyes I was briefly detained, they roared with laughter and threw me onto the streets a few hours later. Self immolation is about as violent as suicide gets.
In the run up to Xmas I took more than 200 paracetamol in a series of micro overdoses. I take paracetamol because you don't have to worry about pain until its too late. Liver failure is unbelievably unpleasant. Don’t ever do it – one reason is struggling to breathe because you can’t stop vomiting. Having been hours from death in LITU, taking huge quantities of those tablets in one go is difficult. If I could swallow 100 I would and I would suffer the pain. I switched to carbon monoxide but it is not what the internet says it is. I think there are suicide guides that lie about pain for some sick person’s own satisfaction. I’ve done this 5 times now but I can’t get it right. I don’t pass out – I’m awake whilst going deaf, blind and feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. Your arms and legs don’t work. I don’t care what anyone else thinks- when you are awake and suffocating you will seek oxygen. Preparing for CO poisoning is difficult when neighbours are around.
I try not to report overdoses because the police always give me a kicking or break my stuff whilst refusing to take me to hospital until I grass on local criminals. And then they tell the criminals all about it. I’m not making this up. I remember smashing my glasses in a police cell so that I could use the metal to cut myself. I was 15. They gave me a kicking and called me a “sad twat”. I recently absconded from a local A&E that hadn’t even entered me into their system because (I assume) they were warned not to allow another paper trail.
Things wouldn’t be this desperate if UK PLC was honest. Trust me, this case is a serious threat to the authorities. So much so that I’m 90% sure the Chief Executive of the largest MH trust in UK posed as my named nurse on two occasions. The same trust that is all over the news for scandal. I’m currently missing from four A&E departments because by the time I arrive there I’m beyond crisis and unwilling to suck on any more psychiatry... NHS has a policy “If you self harm, you are not welcome”. So I go home rather than be laughed at. My door should have been smashed off its hinges a year ago but it would appear that it’s better for UK PLC for me to die quietly.
So, to summarise. I’ve been buttfucked by UK PLC which has invoiced nearly £1M to provide worthless health and social care for the sake of giving the public the appearance of a care system. It looks like I have a progressive and terminal neurological illness that NHS won’t diagnose or treat for fear of legal action. Anybody who thinks UK citizens have freedom should cut up their bank cards and try homelessness.
This is why I’m not interested in living. I only care about ending my suffering.