In all honesty, yes.

My mother's severe abuse led to me dropping out of school at a really young age, so it took a couple of years of studying as an adult to catch up on some (i.e. only a few subjects) that I missed out on in high school. I was already quite limited in what I could apply to study (social sciences, some humanities subjects, etc.) at uni because of this. Even though I tried to make a fresh start for myself by selecting a university far away from her, she totally refused to give student financial aid the information they required about her income to pay me the loans I was eligible for. She also threatened to get rid of my pets and do all other kinds of fucked up shit once I was away. Consequently, I had to put my place on hold for a year up until I was old enough to complete an application alone, which all occurred too late for me to study any other high school level subjects during that time period, and she then took all of the paperwork required for me to complete financial aid by myself this year. It took two months for the govt to mail out new copies of all of those required documents after that happened. My option at that point was to start uni with very, very delayed loans when I have no laptop, no cell phone after mine broke, none of my own home appliances or furniture, not that many clothes that fit me any more, etc. Given that I already felt pretty anxious about having a year out not studying, I felt I was setting myself up for failure to attend with super delayed loans and none of the student support I wanted (which you can't begin to apply for until you get your loans application in) set up. I therefore didn't end up starting this semester and haven't even contacted the university to ask if my place could be deferred again. I'm now terribly depressed and honestly feel like there's no longer any point in trying to start over and reapply to universities this year. I need extensive, unaffordable therapy for the abuse I've sustained from early childhood, and I basically feel like without that and a degree (something that I no longer feel I am capable of achieving to a good standard) that my life is ruined and always will be. My mother has been berating me almost daily for the past month (as well as last year) about not attending uni with none of the loans I required to live put in place. Clearly, it's all my fault that she refused to complete the parents' section last year and didn't allow me to have access to all of the documents to do it myself this year.

If things somehow change and I manage to pull things together to go to college next year, I'll be starting at the time that my friends from the pre-university course I did are going into their final year. It's just... super depressing to be in this situation after working so hard and managing to largely overcome my mental health issues a couple of years back. I'm right back in the same awful position I was in when I was much younger.

I genuinely feel like my mother is incredibly jealous at the mere thought of me achieving any kind of success or happiness in life. In spite of missing out on so much education and only ever attending mediocre schools when I was in education, I still managed to score better than my mother (who went to a very prestigious school) ever did. But she persists in telling me how low my (untested) IQ apparently is, how incredibly stupid I am compared to the genius that is her, and how I allegedly have multiple undiagnosed mood disorders that make me "fucking insane" for her to deal with every single day lately.

My relationship with my boyfriend seems to have fizzled to an end recently, too. The past few months have made me start to think I will definitely never be able to have the stability and happiness that I've always wanted in life.

It's just all too much to bear, really.