I am at war with myself because of it.

Ive been married twice. I have children from the second marriage. I don't understand how I didn't previously understand.

Both of my marriages have broken down with reasons related to intimacy. Both marriages were abusive in some form, the second one being the worse of the two.

Based on my second marriage I'd like to hope I'm at least demi-sexual so I don't feel completely broken, but because it was a trauma bond it's really difficult for me to know for sure whether I was sexually attracted or not. By the end of the relationship I was basically refusing intimacy and begging my ex for an emotional connection and I didn't know demi-sexuality was a thing at the time. My ex is on bail for r*pe so now not only do I feel broken compared to "normal" people, I'm completely traumatised and possibly now sex repulsed as well.

When I discovered asexuality it was like something clicked, I was like wait what, its a thing? But I still absolutely hate that I'm like this and I am really struggling with myself.