It took me a really long time to come to terms with asexuality because I'm fascinated by sex and I really like the closeness of intimate friendships. You know all the wikis where people are like "you might have sex because you're curious about it" or "you might have sex because you want to experience someone being close to you"? Definitely those things.

It took me a really, profoundly long time to realize that being curious and clinical about how people reacted to sensual things and having absolutely no interest in personal attention during those events was not typical. But there I was. I've had sex, I probably will continue to have sex at random intervals into the future, but I have come to understand that I don't actually have sexual attraction to anybody, more just a passing curiosity if someone makes a move. It's entertaining sometimes maybe? But in a way more like going bowling than some sort of hardwired biological imperative.

So many previous events and interactions made so much sense to me after doing the research, but I didn't do that research for the longest time because I thought my past experiences invalidated the label to me even though I've always known something was up (namely that I could never once understand the whole "sexy" label that people use- I understand aesthetics but the generic "oh that's so sexy" does not register at all in my brain and never has. I don't see people and think about wanting to sleep with them).

I don't look for sex, I don't look for relationships. I haven't formally dated anyone in a half a decade, which is when I realized 1) how important sexuality is in a committed relationship and 2) onetime sexual curiosity is not the same thing as a sustained passion, which is something I cannot do.

If sexuality happens to arise in a situation, I don't reject it, but the whole experience is more of a "how can I pass the time" thing than a "I really would like to have sexual intercourse" thing. Because when it comes down to it, I don't want it.

I guess in a lot of ways it doesn't change my life since I'm fine dealing with other people's feelings on the subject matter and I'm not averse, but I definitely don't date. At this stage of my life, I don't see any point. I got shit to do.

It's sorta weird living in a huge young city feeling that way but only if I think about it- because the desire is non-existent, it's hard to care in the day-to-day.