Yeah, it's a depressive thing. My comment is too long and very personal, so. Warning you. And I will delete it later, because of obvious reasons. I overshared but who cares lol
I married because I never had a normal -even slightly normal- mother figure. And wanted to have a woman in my house, wanted her to take care of me. I always seek women's attention and romantic interest. At 15 a women in his 40s sexually abused me and took advantage of my emotional connection with her. And she even tried "sharing me" with her husband. Which is more fucked up I think. But even after that I didn't learn my lesson and chased older women than me lol. When I was a teenager it was fun and mostly I was the abused one but I didn't care. It was okay since they love (sure, love) me, they could touch me however they wanted. In my 20s and starting to university, things little bit changed and get uglier and eventually made me get a diagnosis. I know it's not appropriate thing to say below in this post but I was seeing a woman (our relationship was very serious, we were together since I was a teenager) and started being physical with her. She had to go to the hospital multiple times and was in constant pain for months. And, I am a coward at the same time. I was scaring so much, I wasn't able to sleep (and trying to focus on my academic work, like, 8+ hours in a day. that's what computer science does to you) if I wouldn't make sure she won't say anything to anyone about me. I was trying to please her in every way just because make her accept my physical violence and keep silent.
Anyway. Now she is kind of happy with her life. After I decided leaving her (very hard decision, it's easy to say) I found myself lost my interest in anything. I was never really had a high sexual drive but this point nothing was making me excited. That's how I got good grades actually. There was no distraction. Then I thought doing drugs, drinking too much alcohol or any kind of self destructive behaviour but... Unfortunately I don't have an addictive personality so, I thought at least I can try making +150k in a year lol. Was a good decision. In my college years I never had a sexual partner (only that unlucky woman for a short time) so I was thinking maybe I am asexual. Girls were flirting with me and I don't say that because I am egoistic, but I always cared about my phsyique (because I was thinking they will leave me if I don't look good enough, since I have no personality) and an objectively good looking guy (I love my father's good genetics) so it was making girls attracted to me easily. But I was trying to stay away from any girl in my age. Or any girl in any age lol. Because I knew it won't end up in a way they think. I had some sick fantasies with women time to time (not sexual. only sadistic and disturbing. I never sexually fantasized a woman. But can't say same with men) and decided to going to a therapist because I was dealing with a depression too. Then at 29 I get my offical diagnosis finally lmao congratulations to me. But therapist helped me though, I don't feel regret for going to him.
Okay I didn't really understand your last question. You mean top or bottom dynamic? Lol. I didn't lie to you, I've never been fucked by someone. I stopped seeing a lot of people just because they wanted to 'switch' or do something to my butt lmao. My first experience was a guy at my work. We were going lunches together, drinking together and watching movies. He was single and told me he had relationships with men before (even asked me if I am okay with it, and told me i can stop being friend with him) and I liked his shy behaviours and personality so much. We are in 2022 and I don't think our friend group is ignorant and stupid, they are okay with being bisexual or anything but I just liked the way he is tense and uncomfortable with me. After I told him people's partners isn't my business in a serious way, I started teasing him so often. First I was saying simple stuff like making implications when he looks at a handsome guy at the work or bar. You know, saying things like "you should go and talk to him" "I bet you would make him so hard and leave her girlfriend" and things like that. For fun. (Deep down, I was wishing to be the guy who's get hard because of him lol, i was saying my desires for him when i was talking about a random guy he looks at) Anyway, then I asked him he should have insights because he met gay men and spent time with them. I asked him "Do I look like I am into men?"
He laughed at my face and told me I am almost the most heterosexual guy he saw even if I don't mention my sexual life or women. I am surprised because.... I was literally thinking I am flirting with him. But obviously I wasn't good at it lol and I was completely inexperienced with men so he probably thought I was just being a dick. Then he told me there is no chance I am unsure about what I am into. Which kind of irritated me because I was mad about how he read my attitude that wrong.
One night, him and a few friends was at my house and except this guy, they are basic, stupid IT nerds. One of them is obese. Definitely they aren't interesting people at all and like beer more than they should. It was an usual weekend night. They decided to head back to their house. I told this guy I want him to stay. I remember he was kind of panicked and asked me did he do something wrong, is there a problem etc. I didn't say anything and waited for others to leave. He was in a very healthy, normal relationship with a guy. (So, not single anymore.) And it made me feel bad, for no reason. I was thinking we had something special and he doesn't need anyone but me. I felt betrayed for literally no reason. I never felt such intense things with anyone after him to be honest. Then I asked him would he get rid of his annoying boyfriend if I accept fucking him. I even told him I'd do that in a more proper and a satisfying way than him (I have zero experience with men lol) I don't exactly remember what did he say but I remember he tried avoiding taking my words serious and made some fun of me. Then I was more emotional/angry than I am before, told him if he doesn't stop seeing him (probably i was insulting his boyfriend at this point lol) he can't talk to me again and see me. After I said that he looked concerned and asked me what is wrong with him, I barely see him and no reason to find him annoying. He said I don't have to tolerate his anything because he isn't in my life etc. (Guy really doesn't give a chance for a possibility me actually want to fuck him, hillarious)
After arguing some more, some agressive things happened sexually lol. Since that guy I was only with men. For a few months I was with him but then he actually started loving me and stuff then I stopped spending time with him basically. No idea what he is doing right now lol it was too long ago. But don't worry, karma is real. A guy who spent his almost 10 years in a prison showed me my day lmao. But that's another long story.