My father was an abusive cunt to my mother. When I was 9, he tried to strangle her with a belt; I was in the next room, and can still remember it to this day. Even though I know that I couldn't have done much, I've always felt ashamed that I froze before she managed to escape and get a knife. After he left, as I strongly resemble him, I was often treated unfairly by her.
When I reached the age of 12, my depression and anxiety really began to manifest, yet I was often pushed to the side and ignored. When I would cry, and wouldn't even understand why I was crying, I was punished. The first time I opened up about my mental illnesses, I was told that I was "scary", and sent to my room for the night. Over time, they've both changed, but above going on living every day, above facing crowds, the hardest thing for me has always been opening up. The second most difficult things in my life has been learning to forgive them both.
I've always been a bigger kid. I know it's the internet, and if anyone REALLY cares, I'll verify what I look like in a PM for confirmation, but I'm legitimately 6'6, and fairly well built. Growing up, though, I was just big and fat, with some under-muscle, which made me a huge (pun intended) target. I learned very early on that I couldn't rely on the teachers for help, yet I was often punished when I would strike back at the popular bullies, as if my teachers were hoping for their approval in some pathetic way. I was once suspended for accidentally fracturing a kid's arm because he broke my glasses and gave me a black eye, and yes, it was a fucking accident, I was 16. Oh, and it was almost always solely because I happened to be a white kid in a predominantly black school.
I was also molested by a male babysitter.
When I was 14 I tried to kill myself, and then again at 16 and 20. Since then I've lost a very close friend to suicide, and so despite it all, I know that I couldn't put the people that I care about through that, so I just sort of go on now. It's next to impossible for me to trust people, and I know that that's why I've never had a relationship last over 2 years. The more I care, the more vulnerable I become, and I cannot stand to feel vulnerable.
I sometimes joke that my life has been an experiment to drive a boy insane, and it's certainly worked on many levels. That's not to say that I hallucinate, but I certainly have difficulty with other human beings. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17, but lost my provider and the ability to afford my medicine when the ACA went into effect. I use marijuana medicinally now, and it certainly helps, but I know that I will never be completely "healthy".
I'm sorry if this is a lot to dump, and I know how absurd it sounds to have this much bad luck. Believe me, I know. But someone has to be the lucky 1%, right? I don't have much else to add. Again, if feel like demanding proof of some sort (I guess I can pose next to a door frame, or send you a picture of my arms) you're welcome to be skeptical. I would be. But with everything going on, I just had to get that all out I guess.