I've been out of game. Can't even build up the motivation to log in. My GF just left me, and the first night I posted here -- got minused a bunch and I wasn't up for that so I deleted it. I'm seriously fucked up right now, but I'm realizing it has very little with the breakup...that's just something to pile a bunch of emotional crap onto.

I found reaching out to friends and family helped a bit. I also have my first appointment with a shrink tomorrow. I'm not really suicidal, but I've definitely given it a lot of consideration of late. Anyway, I posted this:

I know some people are bothered when I post personal shit. You can unfriend me and I'll not be offended. Or just ignore it and move on. I need this though. What follows might be really long...

I'm beginning to realize that there is just something drastically and terribly wrong with me. I've always known I was very different, and I've always been quite jealous of others around me who seem to think and feel normally...who can form strong connections that just seem forever out of my reach. Some of this might just be my current situation but I don't think so. I have never been happy.

I can act happy. You'll see me smile and you might think I am, usually I am not. I have very short lived bouts of happiness, usually when I'm out with people and we're doing something enjoyable. Sometimes when I'm writing code or analyzing architecture. I can enjoy things occasionally. But other than these short lived experiences if I'm not incredibly unhappy or mad at nothing I'm just numb. I can put on a really good show of being "adjusted" but I'm pretty damn far from it.

It makes me drive people away. There are huge chunks of my life where I just don't want anyone around. I don't want anyone around and I don't want to do anything, most especially the nothing I generally end up doing with nobody. I am incredibly uncomfortable with closeness and I don't confide in people. I make people think I don't appreciate them. It just caused me to lose probably the best relationship I ever had with another human being. I didn't make her feel appreciated or loved when the truth is I really needed this person.

But I was relieved when she'd go off and do things away from home without me. Even after 6 years of being together I couldn't break this barrier. I've become so used to just living with this that I don't even think I realized I wanted to. It took a massive kick to the teeth to make me understand. I never, ever want this to happen again.

And I'm always running. I ran to methamphetamine in my later teens because it gave me the energy and spark of life I just never had otherwise. I ran and hid away from everyone upon quitting because I'd gone just totally nuts. I ran to college hoping it would change things, and the results have given me more comfort but I'm still not happy. Lately I've just been running away from life entirely. I've been utterly destroying myself with drink (not as bad as a lot of people, but it's still not good) because when I'm drinking I actually feel happy, and it's like the only time I do...and then of course I feel like total shit the next day not just because of the hangover but because it's just stupid.

So many self-destructive cycles it might very well qualify as insanity. I will sabotage anything and everything eventually.

I just exist. I know there's more. I see people that appear genuinely happy. They're able to connect and be relatively open to each other. They show each other affection when the only thing I can seem to do is help when asked, if asked. They wake in the morning and are motivated to go do things--I'm always having to force myself to. I want what they have.

There's no reason why. I have a great life, filled with great people that I know love me. Some have emailed me, or called me on the phone, to see if I want to talk. Even though I take none up on it, thank you! Although there have been disappointments, I have a good career in a field that I'm really quite good at. Until recently I had a great and beautiful woman who treated me like a king. So I have no idea why in the world I couldn't just be happy. I don't see how someone that could be in that position and still not be happy ever will be, which is not a thought I find comforting. I recognize how great I should feel, I just don't and haven't.

And why can't I just say these things to real people instead of having to do it indirectly through facebook, or blogs, or whatever? Other people seem to be able to but I can't even to my closest family and friends. I'll probably chicken out and delete this after it really dawns on me how much I just exposed.

A lot of people responded quite supportingly. I'm still fucked up, but it helped a lot. My dad called me and we talked a while. Really gave me the motivation to actually get off my ass and get professional help...instead of just letting the urge pass and trying to keep living like this.

So yeah, don't let fear stop you. And like the guy in the vid says, when people start acting like raging pricks all the sudden, or hell even if they tend to often, consider that there might be something serious going on and ask if they need help. Also, don't assume a guy who's really nice, patient, and apparently happy all the time actually is. Some of us have gotten really adept at hiding how fucked up we really feel.