This is wrong and I’m sorry you feel this way. Gay or straight- we are all equal. Being gay is not an illness by any means no matter how you see that through your own eyes. I KNOW this is going to sound very ignorant to say because I am not in your shoes- but you have to understand that there is nothing wrong with being who you are. That is your first step. Absolutely nothing wrong I can’t stress that statement enough. You are trapped in your own self destructive mind set and I am sorry for that. Please keep holding on. And have an open mind, look at who you are surrounding yourself with. The first step is to accept yourself for who you are and the take a step back and see if the people around you are also influencing your mind set. You can absolutely have a healthy life when you realize that who you are is who you are and there is nothing wrong with who you are at all.