Because my post doesn't even show up on /new. That's exactly what's going on with my life. Non-start. No point. Know intellectually it's retarded, can't do anything. Doesn't even matter, right? No doubt in my mind that there is some form of afterlife, which just means that even suicide is no escape.
All the beauty in the world just doesn't get to me anymore because in my mind all of the bad, the truly bad, the truth, eclipses it like a sun in magnitude. We cheer the outlying few that can appreciate life for it's potential, but it's a lottery, plain as day.
Why all the pain...? My life isn't even that bad. Stable job, income, incredible girlfriend whom I love... But my confusion as to the why of it all, it just won't let me go. Nothing fits anymore, or makes sense. I know I can change, that I have the strength, or constitution, or whatever, but why would I? Short term benefit.
<---- Intellectual inside is dying from the irony of it all. I see the dichotomy, I see both paths that lie before me and I just don't see the fucking point of it. Life and the universe is beyond measure... It eclipses my soul utterly.. What the hell is the point of this? Higher dimensional existence is my guess. Would explain a lot, and thus provide some sort of purpose, but then.. purpose for what? I seek the ultimate answer that doesn't even exist, and I can't force my mind to think differently, other than to agonize about that answer.
Que epiphany, right... Isn't that supposed to be how it works? Then I die, happy, woo, and then what. Why. Why why why. Does anything, truly ANYTHING, any amount of bliss or perfection or love warrant such devastating cruelty? How can there possibly exist a true love, for it would need to validate all the death and torture. It would need to give it a point, or meaning, or role. But even that is abhorrent.. I just can't process that being worth it, the simple existence of the idea feels like anathema.
Yeah, I don't know. The release of the typing was a nice change. If you've read this far thanks I guess? Thanks.