Kinda catching this post at a low point and feeling like I don’t know how to handle it so I’m choosing to go back to my old addiction coping mechanisms. For the first year o so I felt like I was doing so well increasing the stretches of time between using pornography.

Lately though it feels like the only thing I can count on and I almost wish my wife would catch me. I feel like I’ve reached a point where I know what I’m doing isn’t what I want but I also have lost hope we will ever reach a good state of sexual intimacy. It’s like my wife just doesn’t care about that part of our relationship. I feel like a child having to ask for my allowance rather than a man who is desired by his partner.

I almost want to get busted just so we can finally have a knock down drag out over it and maybe she will finally tell me why she never wants me. I fully realize how pathetic it is that Id rather get caught than bring up the subject that I feel totally rejected and am at the point of giving up on sex so I’d rather have this pathetic relationship with pornography than none at all.