My situation is similar to yours. AP started hitting on him while I was pregnant with our third child. A planned pregnancy bcz we were in such a good place and so happy (his words). Texting him non-stop, setting up group outings and activities, knowing that I couldn’t participate because I was too pregnant to go out to a music festival in the heat of summer encouraged him to start training for marathons with her. Even writing a flirty message on the baby gift card from the office.she made her move when my baby was just 10 weeks old. He upsized my the diamond on my engagement ring a month later. I thought it was so thoughtful at the time. We bought a bigger house, renewed our wedding vows (his idea) for our 10 year anniversary. Turned out that the renewal was after he cut things off the first time. A couple months later she went into his office and told him she missed their particular sexual arrangement. She basically had figured out that he had a specific kink that he was ashamed about and had a sexual favor exchange. He claimed for 10+ years after I discovered evidence of texting that nothing sexual happened. Turned out it was a 2.5 year full on PA, with a 6-9 month break. I also found emails of him flirting with another woman after he had left his job to get away from the AP. He also claims that he couldn’t remember anything and didn’t find the AP attractive. Basically said that once it crossed the line, he felt comfortable indulging in his kink with her. Felt like she wouldn’t judge him since she was the kind of woman that would sleep with a mm. Basically a whore. And became addicted to acting out his kink with her. Never loved her and only told her she was beautiful bcz he felt like it was something he should say.
I have also really struggled with the grief around his treatment of me during pregnancy and as a new mom. Never showed any interest in the pregnancies, wouldn’t show me affection, concern, or pampering during the pregnancies and nursing period. I literally heard more compliments from strangers than from him. Men would stop me in the street to tell me how beautiful I looked and what a wonderful mother I was. Even my neighbors teenage son’s friends made MILF comments loud enough for us to hear. But not my WH. He showed no concern for my health or wellbeing. Wouldn’t attend drs appts, lovingly touch my belly, take pregnancy or new mom pics, pamper me in the slightest way. Didn’t show any concern for me when I was dealing with postpartum depression, mastitis, car accident, severe migraines and adrenal fatigue (my body was breaking down from the stress of gaslighting). Never even bothered to look into doctors or treatments for me. Wasn’t even concerned that I was struggling to take care of the kids.
The whole thing was so bizarre. I kind of feel like he resented the pregnancies and nursing years. That I wasn’t fully available to give 100% of my attention and affection to him. That I actually needed some back. That I also needed to give some to our children. He grew up in an emotionally cold household where his mom’s world revolved around her husband (at the expense or exclusion of her kids). I’ve often felt that he was starved for affection. He was attracted to me bcz of how affectionate and nurturing I am, but was incapable of reciprocating and resentful of any expectations to reciprocate, or the affection I showed to our kids. It’s something I have had to grieve and continue to grieve. I have never really been cared for, protected, supported, encouraged, cherished, or nurtured.