I'm not sure if this will make sense, but my ex boyfriend and I had a great sex life, it was all passionate and wild and affectionate at the same time. When I found out he cheated, almost all memory of the sex we'd had in the last 6 months, seemingly disappeared from my memory bank and was replaced with a mind movie of him fucking his ex wife ( whom he cheated on me with, once).

Most of the information around the encounter I had, was from HER POV, and only some from his (he didn't remember it all/he couldn't recall the details/he was so ashamed of what he had done that he had "blocked it out"/maybe the condom was in his wallet, maybe it was hers/ who knows/ etc etc ).

He begged and apologised and whatnot for 1.5 months and that's when I decided to TRY reconciling. I used to be a solid HL woman. I used to masturbate a few times a week, I wanted to fuck at least once a week and could almost every day if possible. But I realised that in the 1.5 months that had passed since the day I found out - My libido had pretty much died. I had no desire at all. I forced myself to masturbate and orgasm twice, after which I cried myself to sleep. I thought maybe getting back together and having sex with him will help. You know "get it out of the way" / "see what happens"/"maybe I'll remember what it used to be like with us". I just.... Couldn't. Not sober. Not after a few drinks. If he tried really hard and I tried really hard, I would get turned on , but the second I would get into it, in the next second, I would wonder if he did the same things to her, in the most graphic way, where I replaced my body with hers, seeing it all from her POV. I tried having sex with him twice, the first, I broke down and sobbed, he comforted me and held me. The second time, we tried again after about 2 weeks. It was much harder to get into it than the first time. Again, I tried to almost push myself mentally into it, it worked, but then - something just.....snapped. I didn't cry. I definitely got triggered, but I just stopped what was happening and moved away from him physically. I didn't want to been be touched by him or look at him or be around him. I realised, the trauma of it all, had burrowed itself into not only my mind, but also my body. That's when I knew - I will never get past it, and that I would not be able to love him again like I did, no matter what.