Cheat-ee here. TL;DR at the bottom.
I'm a non-confrontational person and unfortunately because of this I feel like it was never resolved. I know I just have to bring it up again but I'm scared to idk.
It was a whole string of shitty things happening (unrelated to our relationship) that sort of lead up to him confessing. We ended up at our friend's place and he hands me this crossword scratch ticket while going out for a smoke with our friend. I didn't notice it until after he told me but the crossword had some interesting words together like "secret" "deceive" "thoughtless" etc.
Obviously didn't think anything of it, actually was already stressed out because of what had happened earlier in the night. (stress with roommates, things were getting really weird.)
I can never forget though. Boyfriend came back in, our friend lingered outside I have no idea why he chose then and there to tell me. It had happened while I was home visiting (different province) after finishing school. Said he was sorry, that he could never forgive himself, that he never expected me to either. Said he made bad decisions and fucked up.
I've never seen him cry like that before, partially because of that and because I don't like big yelling confrontations I went out for some air. Came back inside, passed by our friend and apologized for the... drama I guess going on or whatever. Getting back in the room where my boyfriend was, I was trying to think of something to tell him or say when he told me that it wasn't just once, it was twice with two different girls.
I was balling my eyes out at this point. I had nowhere to really go (no family out here, not many friends, didn't want to go back to my place because of the issue with roommates), I didn't want to talk and it was probably extremely childish of me but I didn't. He still asked and begged for forgiveness, made it a point to assure that it would never happen again, that it was killing him keeping it this long from me. (about 8 months secret)
It was never really resolved. I only asked when and he told me, though begged me not to ask who or what. And I didn't I don't know why. I still want to ask him if I'll ever run into these girls while I'm with him and exchange pleasantries without ever knowing.
The day after him confessing, we head off on a little mini vacation with his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend. I kept up appearances and just feigned being upset about work/home situation etc. I didn't want to bring anything up or cause anything while on a trip.
Never brought it up again and everyday it eats me up inside. Because I love him and I feel like he loves me and it feels like so much time has passed and it feels like he thinks I've forgiven him, I feel like I can't bring it up again.
I feel like quite an idiot sometimes, I don't know why I feel scared to bring it up. I'm torn between loving this guy and sometimes feeling this hurt, crushing feeling.
TL;DR: Boyfriend confessed that he cheated on me on two different occasions with different girls while I was in a different province visiting home. I think I acted a bit childish refusing to speak or voice how I was feeling after her told me and because of that, didn't get a chance to gather up some sort of courage to ask him/talk about it. The day after he confessed we went on a little mini trip with his Dad/dad's girlfriend and kept up and act of everything's normal, if they asked I mentioned being upset about work/etc. Now it feels like too much time has passed, feels like he thinks I've forgiven him and I am no less scared to try to talk to him about it than the night he confessed.
.rambling and shit Wish I could just tell him that I haven't forgiven him and that I don't know if I ever will... but I still love him even if the trust isn't 100% anymore or currently. It's hard to go from completely loving and trusting someone to almost a ghost of how I used to feel about him but it's still a strong feeling and I can't just not feel it anymore. blah blah blah cheating fucking sucks i feel like shit and cry about it more than I'd like to confess.