3. I'm drunk. It's 20 to 1 am and my date cancelled on my for tomorrow night. How's...

I'm drunk. It's 20 to 1 am and my date cancelled on my for tomorrow night. How's your thursday night?

It's 1am, but my night is just getting started. Got 3 homework assignments due tomorrow at 930, 1030, and noon. I am feeling like they will be done for sure, but there is not likely to be any sleep.

I am at a point where my own procrastination skills are starting to weigh on me; I am frustrated with my lost potential. I am beginning to wonder if I have deeper seated issues than just laziness, for I am truly, extravagantly failing myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, my life is pretty put together and I am doing alright in most ways, and I'm on the brink of graduating debt free with a good degree and good grades, but I just don't put any real effort into anything.

I often wish I could go back and do it all over again with work ethic, but of course, the real thing to do is just to go forward with it. Yet I don't; can't. Probably the former but not the latter, but still. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I can see it; I am aware. But the mold is hard to break.

I do not know where to start, either. Actually, if anything, from the outside, my life looks better than ever right now. I have been dating someone who I am quite fond of, I am in good shape, I have been doing my hobbies. Yet I want none of this.

I really dislike the world at large, but I fear this is some variety of projection. I feel like I am a straight shooter with myself, but this absolute lack of desire for success eats away at me. I have no ambition. No drive. I sometimes wonder if it's hormonal, because, for a man, I have no intensity. Not a tonne of sex drive. And really, absolutely no ambition.

Yet I think this must be an excuse, for it is easy to look externally and find something which might be missing and blame it on that, yet I firmly hold the belief that willpower is not limited and I should be able to find this drive within myself.

But where is it? Have I been wrong? Is it truly this hard to break out of a shell once comfortably seated in it? Where do I go from here?

Perhaps I just need to buck up, perhaps I need to tell someone about these things so they'll tell me to buck up, but it feels like it would be so hollow and meaningless anyway. To have a nice room in the house of lies we call society, to make a clean room above this foundation of blood and death and slavery and cruelty and inhumanity seems so pointless. And it is so easy to just sit here.

Perhaps I should be a writer, it seems this stream of consciousness is far easier to produce than the answers to these questions university asks of me

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