This is like reading a post from past-me! Like you and others have posted, my mom (and dad) are mini-hoarders--our house has always been livable, but growing up I could never invite anyone over because it was so embarrassingly crammed with junk, especially stacks of magazines/newspapers/plastic containers EVERYWHERE.

I moved home in January 2014 after college because I got an internship in my hometown and I literally finally JUST unpacked my stuff this week because I had nowhere to put it in my own house/room (this is like 4 medium-ish boxes of stuff that have been sitting on the back porch for the past year because there isn't even room in the garage). I've been picking my clothes out of the boxes as needed because my closet is full of unopened Amazon packages of random appliances and storage units my mom keeps ordering--she doesn't get that buying a vacuum or wardrobe doesn't make your house cleaner if you just leave it in the box in a closet. In the process of decluttering, I've found no less than 3 brand new vacuums still inside their unopened Amazon shipping boxes--my mom forgot she ordered the older ones because they were hidden away.

My mom and I have a similar relationship to the one you described--she leans on me, heavily, and for her, the hoardingish tendencies are definitely manifestations of unresolved personal issues (weight, self-esteem, ???) that probably require the help of professional therapy, which she will never do. She also fights me and then gets really, really sad when I try to throw things out and it's led to a number of frustrating confrontations between us that always end in some kind of bitter stalemate (e.g. Fine, I can throw away her things even though I don't understand what they mean to her, but it's because I don't love her or care about her feelings).

I'm going to be honest and say that coming back and living in this environment has been incredibly challenging for me, personally. Last year, I had a crazy, cushy internship that paid really well, a great boyfriend, friends, etc.--life was really, really good--but I was so depressed and stressed out all the time and it got worse as the year progressed. I didn't feel comfortable at home and had nowhere I could unwind. I couldn't stand tripping over shit all the time as I walked around the house.

It's also been detrimental to my personal development. I eat fairly healthily and exercise moderately, nothing crazy, but when I first moved home and told my mom I didn't want to eat so much red meat anymore (I cook all my own meals, not asking anything of her) and when I would go out running, she would mock me and tell me I was anorexic and try to get me to eat chocolate bars. After work, I usually try to spend an hour working on a new skill (foreign language practice, coding, crafting), but my mom would watch beg me to sit and watch TV with her and if I didn't, she would turn the volume up and watch it REALLY loudly and aggressively (there is only one room in our house that you can sit in and not be buried under piles of crap, so I couldn't work anywhere else inside the house). She watches TV from the moment she comes home around 6PM until 11PM when she goes to bed and is always "too tired" to do anything else. Objectively, I know this is all her lashing out because of personal problems with her own self-image and confidence, but emotionally, it was a struggle. I cried on a weekly basis out of frustration.

This ultimately culminated in me leaving my internship (which I loved and offered me a full time job) to take a job across the country starting next month--just so I could move out and escape.

I will say, however, that things have improved over the course of the past six months. Instead of getting angry and fighting her, I've taken a gentler approach and starting praising her for positive actions (e.g. "Hey Mom, I noticed that the dishes were put away last night--thank you so much, doesn't it feel really nice to wake up to a clean kitchen and have a fresh start to the day?" vs "Mom! Can you please wash you dishes at night? I really hate waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes and it ruins the start of my day", and "I made this chicken and quinoa for lunch, do you want to try taking some to work? It gives me a lot of energy and makes me feel less tired and bloated at the end of the day" followed up with "Wow, Mom did you like the chicken, I think you look a little slimmer" the same night).

I can't say if you mom is the same, hoarding is a very real mental issue that can't always been personally resolved, but I know that my mom DEFINITELY doesn't actually want to live like this and would LOVE to find a way out, but is just too lost to know how on her own. Taking a gentle approach, leading by example and showing her the path out of where she is has been infinitely more successful for me than criticism, crying, trying to force her to be the way I want. I've started with small "bright spots"--I asked my mom if I could have one of the bathrooms in our house and we cleaned it out together (mostly just transferred a ton of crap to the other bathroom, but baby steps...), I scrubbed the entire thing within an inch of its life, pulled out an old ornamental soap dispenser my mom has had for like 10 years sitting in the garage, and now we both use it to get ready every morning. Seeing and using this room has given her a taste of "normalcy" and created a wedge for change for the rest of the house. Through positive reinforcement, I've gotten my mom to eat better, start exercising, and slowly start decluttering and the best part is that she's HAPPY about it. This is not the first or second or 10th time I've tried to help her and before it's always been like pulling teeth, pitting us in a me vs. you battle. Rationally, most people know they don't want to live in a house full of crap, so it's really about winning the emotional battle and getting them to visualize how they want to feel in their home.

Our house is FAR from perfect and would probably still horrify most people, but it is lightyears better than where it was when I first came home. I'm still moving out next month, but instead of feeling like I've wasted an entire year futilely trying to stem the tide of my parents mess, I feel a little hopeful that the seed of hope and clean I've planted here will grow over the course of this year. I am not going to say it was easy at all--like I said, this was after 6 months of crying on a weekly basis and constantly fighting with my parents--and I don't think any 22 year old dreams of graduating from college to live at home and then basically emotionally babysit their own parents. I gave up a lot of nights out to be home to reinforce good behavior for my mom and encourage her to do better.

Two books I recently read that have been infinitely helpful for me in this case (and personally) are "the life-changing magic of tidying up" by Marie Kondo (it's about cleaning and finding joy in minimalism) and "Switch" by the Heath brothers (about orchestrating change, building new habits). They're both pretty short and very fun reads too.

Sorry this is an essay! I really resonated with your post and wanted to share my experience with you, not sure if it's what you were looking for, but there it is!