Sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I promise you are not fucked up beyond all repair. I was in a long term abusive relationship when I was younger and it left me feeling pretty similar to what you described - constantly on edge, terrified that suddenly someone would snap and start screaming at me, isolated, and to be honest I felt like a freak. Trauma like that affects your whole body, and I didn’t even feel like a person, let alone myself. I’m sorry nobody believed you. I believe you. You didn’t deserve any of that, and you aren’t a bad person just because you’re a man. Your friends sucked, you deserve better. At the time nobody believed me either, because I was bigger and stronger than they were. I get it. It sucks. Adding transitioning on top of everything you went through it’s no surprise you feel the way you do. If you have the means, find another therapist. Keep looking until you find one you trust. Nothing has helped me as much as just being able to talk about things to someone who will listen. Don’t go back to your mother. Maybe have a look online and see if there are any support groups in your area that you can go and check out. Relearning how to interact with people is weird and uncomfortable and takes a while, but I promise therapy (and a good therapist) will help. You are not beyond repair. It’s been a couple years since my relationship ended and it’s taken a long time to accept that being traumatised doesn’t make me less of a man, and it doesn’t make you less of one either. Some things still affect me more than they would other people, and they probably always will. Some things will probably always affect you. But you still deserve to have a good life and have people who love and support you. This isn’t gonna be your whole life.