I did it. I sent my own father to prison for 8 years.

Yes! I hate that sometimes some silly trigger can start this whole cascade of negative feelings...sometimes it's easy to know why I feel the way I do (reading posts like these) but sometimes I see a sweet father -daughter scene on t.v. or hear some song he used to sing, or just SOMETHING makes me think of how scared I was and how different I could be now "if only" ... my main way of dealing with it now is to immediately put on my favorite UPBEAT music and look at my photo albums! I can break the emotion/thought cycle and look at things more objectively again. (If it never happened, I wouldn't have these adorable kids and wonderful husband kinda thing. )
It's such a horrible thing to live through, if it were a stranger then everyone could respond appropriately and healing could begin right away, but most victims are abused by someone they know....that whole stranger thing rarely happens. So not only have you been abused in the most horrific way now, but you also have to include everyone else's feelings right along with yours, as if they were equal and THEY ARE NOT EQUAL!!! Your mom didn't lose her best friend, not really, she lost an actor that kept her company. There's no doubt that she's hurt, there's no diminishing the pain she feels but there's also no comparison either. You were violated physically, mentally and spirituality and at an age that left you far from being able to cope with all the layers of suffering. Of course it's going to have caused "quirks" and of course you now wonder if you would be the way you are now if you didn't have that experience. All I can say is this - your life path took you to dark places and where most girls had insecurities and eventually embraced their strangeness, you will always and forever be afraid that your own differences and difficulties stemmed directly from that darkness....what you have to understand is that the only fundamental change that was made, is that you now question YOURSELF and probably about EVERYTHING...there will come a time in your life when you recognize that you are strong, you were put into a situation you never should've been in and you handled it in the best way you could. Is there fallout, yes there is, but you have to try to put that blame where it goes and allow yourself a bit of self pity. When I think about mu family and their reaction I always try to edit the scenario in my head as if it WERE a stranger, then their reaction is so much easier for me to see as it truly is. I've spoken with dozens of girls who have been raped or molested by a family member and the families often seem to appear to want to keep it hushed up (adding to the guilt factor), act as if it wasn't as bad "as all that" (victim blaming 101) or suddenly feel the need to broadcast the event to anyone who will listen (so now your feelings ate marginalized and you're entertainment)...very few families get it right unfortunately and even with love and support ultimately your recovery is in your own hands. My advice is to look up the stages of grief, apply that to the years directly after your abuse and recognize that many, if not all, of your actions followed those same guidelines. You have no reason to feel guilt but you need to learn to forgive yourself all the same.

I hope your life now is one of beauty tempered by the deep thought and range of emotions that come with being a survivor. You are beautiful and thoughtful and caring, you probably care too much.....wear your heart on your sleeve and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself to weak sometimes and afraid sometimes and fragile... you only think your emotions are wrong because what was done to you cut so deeply. People that never experienced that kind of pain accept that they are all those things sometimes and sometimes they're the other end of the spectrum and IT'S OKAY!! You don't have to be a superhero :)

/r/TwoXChromosomes Thread